The Journey to the Journey of Self Acceptance

It's no secret that as yoga teachers, we teach what we need. We teach what we have learned. We teach what we have un-learned that no longer resonates.What we teach changes as we change and grow, as we get closer to our true nature.

It's also no secret that as students we gravitate toward the teachers who speak to our heart-mind, seeing in them a reflection of what we already know to be true for ourselves. Eventually we come to realize that our greatest teachers aren't some Guru in an Ashram where we bow at their feet, but regular people just like us. Sometimes, these teachers aren't even on a yoga mat, but a stranger off the street.

When I was 5 or 6, I sat in church and was told God would love me if I was perfect. Their God was scary. That wasn't my God, my God was LOVE. My God was kind. My God was accepting of my flaws.  What was taught to me did not stick because it did not resonate in my heart-mind, so I made up my own God to help me through the tough times and I tried to be like that God when I interacted with others. I still thought I was going to a place called Hell though.


In High School I started seeking outside of myself for the answer in the self-help isle when deep pain began to emerge from past trauma. This didn't resonate too long because I was being taught that I was a victim and I was now feeling dis empowered. This path felt too self-involved and final, to be helpful for me or anyone in my life, so I lost interest and just decided being "messed up" was the way it was going to be, so I got into Drama (Speech and Debate Club), so I could pretend to be somebody else. I was good at it. I won a lot of trophies (better than drugs, I never got into that). I also started using music as a sort of catharsis. To this day I still can not listen to Depeche Mode <shudders>.


In early college I sought help in the Metaphysical section with the Seth Speaks series and thought I could Astral Project myself into peace and harmony with everything outside of myself or at least get off the planet that hurt me so much. I got pretty weird, even for me. I sort of "woke up" when a guy I was dating broke up with me because he didn't like the smell of Patchouli. I thought bathing in Patchouli while listening to New Age music would spiritualize my life. It didn't, I still had the same patterns of behavior I always had, I just smelled more "Earthy".

Then in 1993, at age 20, I found Yoga (asana, ancient text, meditation). Back then there were no studios, it was pretty much just me, my incense, and my tie dye whatevers. This is also when I decided to try being a vegetarian for the first time because that would make me a better person.  My teeth hurt from the beans I could never cook correctly. Still, I felt like I was onto something. I came and went from yoga until 2000 when I became pregnant with my son, after that, it stuck. I also came and went from Vegetarianism until 2009, then I gave up deciding that what I ate had anything to do with who I was as a person.

Because I was practicing yoga before the yoga boom, I thought the new yoga boom was well, a bunch of shit. I remember being in my first Power Vinyasa class and this phrase ran through me mind," What the Fuck is this shit?" How very non-sattvic of me. I blame the Rajasic practice, but whatever. I was being judgmental and well, I sort of freaked out. I started teaching the way the masses wanted me to teach. I felt fake and while I knew it was what my employers and students wanted from me, I still felt like almost all of my classes were only half-truths of who I was and what I wanted to teach. I also started running around teaching 17 classes per week, forgetting to feed my own spirit. Sure, I was taking workshops and learning, but my life was falling apart and I really had no idea what I was doing, but what I did know was, this wasn't me.

In 2007 I went to India for the first time and had a Vision. Open my own place. Teach the way I want. Bring back Old School. So, I did. I thought I was doing this to help others, but as I mentioned before, our teachers come to us in various ways. The studio showed me very quickly that while my intentions were pure (to serve), there would be people who would reject it. I had never struggled so hard to just be who I am, no matter what anyone said. It took years, but I finally realized, that I could be handing out a free trip to Planet Peace and Tranquility wrapped in pink polk-a-dot paper and some people would say my gift was crap and I was full of it. So, seriously, I  just said," I am who I am and I'm ok with that and I'm ok with others not "getting" it." I also realized that while I stuck to my vision, other people were empowered to do the same, all around me. People were flying high and away and I thought,"Being true to yourself and allowing others to do the same, this is what it is all about."

I realized just recently while observing this yoga boom and the quest for all of this beautiful knowledge that ALL of us have within us already, that I'm not sure I teach yoga, as much as I teach authenticity. If we are not authentic, how can we find yoga? For years, I  thought I had it going on and all figured out, but I didn't. Now I realize I still don't, that what I know today may be different tomorrow, but what is truly beautiful is loving exactly who I am TODAY, right now and I find it so much easier to accept and embrace others as they are at any given moment. This is what I want others to experience. It's a dream of mine. It's the kind of Heaven I imagine when I think of God Consciousness.

I want people to also experience this video that a friend of mine gave to me. Take time to listen to it and drink in the lyrics and I'll be playing this on my guitar around a bonfire soon. XO

Atha, Are You Ready? Really?

 "Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism." ~Anon

Atha:  pronounced ah-tah in sanskrit is the first word in Patanjali's Yoga Sutra translates to "now".  

Sutra 1.1. Atha Yoga Anusasanam: Here, NOW is the teaching of yoga.

BUT, are you truly ready?  

As Modern Yoga Practitioners, we tend to focus mainly on Asana.  Patanjali himself only mentions the word asana four times and what is the intention of an asana practice? The goal of asana is a steady and comfortable seated posture. 

Sutra 2. 46. Sthira Sukham Asanam: A seated posture that is steady and comfortable is called asana.

Huh? That's it?

Then, Why  focus on the body at all?

The body needs to be made as  comfortable as possible to support pranayama which developed the willpower to overcome physical and mental distraction so we are able to move to higher stages of consciousness in the heart-mind. In modern times we are distracted and pulled in a million different directions and on many different paths. I believe that the many styles of asana there are to practice, reflect just in how many directions we find ourselves every day. The only thing I wish to respectfully point out regarding asana, is that the style of asana one chooses, in order to be termed yoga, should leave the individual more centered, setting the stage for self-realization. Steady. Comfortable. This is how an asana practice should feel in the body and the mind. This, however, is the challenge in our modern culture. I get it.

BUT, yoga, if committed to it,  is found at every moment of every day.

What does this even mean and how do we begin to do be this? It means that we dedicate our intentions and actions in a manner that brings our heart-mind or Chitta into a state of pure awareness, no longer clouded by external influences or negative samaskaras (samskaras are individual impressions, ideas, or actions; make up our conditioning that no longer serve us or the greater good). This takes commitment, patience, and bravery. We are constantly moving between external influences and the internal light of awareness. The goal is to practice, practice, practice, 24 hours per day in all situations. What unfolds if we do the work is the layers and layers of imperfections and untruths are washed away, leaving us with pure awareness of the world around us and BAM, our authentic self is realized. What is yoga, but self-realization. With self-realization we wash that muddy third eye, home of our perception, revealing to us a greater awareness of everything and everyone around us. With this new view, the Universe supports us in developing an environment that serves us and our healing, allowing situations and people from the past that have caused us suffering to go by the wayside, while at the same time we are able to offer forgiveness and gratitude for the lessons those experiences and people have offered us, after all, it is in pain we are moved to grow and it is because of our own pain we harm others, so even better, this is our chance to "let go" with compassion. If we are indeed ready to do the work, we must begin making changes and these aren't always easy (this is the brave part). 

As a yoga teacher, I often mention to students it is their job to do the work. If they succeed it is not because of me and if they fail, it is not because of me. After all, I'm still trying to figure it all out as I go along and just about the time I want to give up, I have to re-commit over and over again. It's a  challenging process, but the results are well worth the effort.

So, are you REALLY ready?

 

Be  (Breathe)

Here (Not up there, down there, back there, or over there)

Now (Not 5 years ago, not yesterday, not tomorrow, not next year, today, right NOW, this very moment)

You can keep going in the many directions everyone else tells you to, or you can STOP and go to InnerState You and Inquire Within.

 

I Helped A Little Old Lady Today

I am so honored to have this guest entry by someone I admire for her raw honesty and for this both inspiring and heart breaking story that teaches us it's never too late to help others and to apologize to those we have harmed, even if it means we can only forgive ourselves for those we have harmed.We must dig deep into the heart wounds in order to grow and this expresses this beautifully.

Warning: Have a tissue ready.....

 

 

I helped a little old lady at the grocery store today.  I pulled up 2 spaces away from her (Front Row Joe!) and as I walked past her car, I saw her getting her cane ready.  But, there was something in her hesitant manner.  So I asked if I could offer her a hand.  She accepted and told me that she’d hurt her knee again this morning.  Her hesitation was bracing for the pain that was about to come exploding out of her knee when she stepped up on the sidewalk. 

I hooked my arm under and around hers; giving her another moment to psyche herself up, then we both stepped up on the curb.  The weight I bore was next to nothing.  She was a tiny little white haired thing.  I touched her hand and left her to walk into the store alone.

 

 

 

I was immediately reminded of the day I beat my dog.  Yes, the day I beat my (elderly) dog for shitting all over the floor and not getting her ass over the papers.  There were eight square feet of papers available for her to shit on, and she still managed to get her diarrhea all over the floor.  I was livid.  And I beat her.  Five times, hard, on her ass.  I didn’t care that she was arthritic.  I didn’t know that she was cancer-ridden at the time and just didn’t make it.  In fact, she was probably humiliated by the fact she couldn’t control her bowels…and I beat her for it.

I wanted to cry.  For the dog, long dead from cancer, for the rage-filled woman that I once was.  For my own mother, who will never be assisted by a stranger because her body is so large, no one would want to bear that weight to help her up onto a sidewalk.

Why was I so angry?  I have no answer.  I can justify, sure.  We all have “things” in our past that totally mind-fuck us.  But…why was I so angry?  How did I allow myself to become that awful, mean, vicious person?  I still want to cry.  Oh hell, I am crying.  I’m unsuccessfully trying to choke back the tears because I work in a cubicle in an office.  My nose is dripping.  I wonder who will be the one to beat me.  When I’m old and alone and cancer-ridden and unable to make it to the bathroom in time.

 

 

 

 

 

I do the yoga.  I’ve done the therapy.  I read the books.  I do the meditation.  I’m still working on it. I’m really sorry, Erin.

 

By~Julie Tijerina

 

 

Kirtan Yoga: Moving Out of the Studios and Into the Hospitals

 I am so very excited to have my first guest writer on It's a Yoga Thang! As someone  who is in-love with chanting/singing and understands the healing power behind these mantras, I am grateful that Allison Brooks reached out and wrote this article for me to share on this Blog. Thank you Allison!

Kirtan Yoga:

Moving out of the studios and into the hospitals

Kirtan, as most of you probably know, is the sacred expression of the language of the heart through sound and word. The exotic sounds and the “call-and-response chanting”, promote inner-peace, inner-transformation, and divine peace throughout the world. To intensify this mind+body revitalization, traditional yoga poses are practiced while the kirtankars perform, hence Kirtan Yoga.

Though a familiar term amongst avid yogis, the general public probably has no clue what Kirtan Yoga is or what benefits it can bring. That is why many practitioners and teachers have started moving their classes from their studios to hospitals, schools, nursing homes and so on.  So far the public reception of this healing art has been positive. Many students claim that they feel more open and revitalized after a Kirtan yoga class and some say they just go for the music.

The best part, the therapeutic effects of Kirtan not only touch the patients, but as well as the doctors and nurses of the patients. Jennifer Canfield, founder of the Call and Response Foundation, reminisced on one of her Kirtans at a local mental hospital and talked how the staff was moved to the point of tears by the chants. 

“I talked to one staff member who said that their job puts them in a constant state of tremendous stress, and as a result, many of them develop their own serious health problems,” quoted Jennifer.

Some of the staff member at that hospital and other facilities around started purchasing hand drums and other instruments to have local kirtankars come in and give lessons. Many hospitals and nursing have been incorporating weekly Kirtan session in their agendas to promote healing and stress-relief. The staff and patients acclaim that the session make them more positive and open-minded towards treatments, and more opt to work with the nurses.

Multiple Cancer treatment facilities consider Kirtan a complementary therapy and now recommend it for patients, especially those with a serious prognosis, like pancreatic or mesothelioma cancer. This should not undermine the use of Kirtan for any medical necessity, but doctors know that aggressive cancers need aggressive treatments, and that this sudden change leads to stress and reluctance towards treatment. Kirtan as well as other forms of yoga are able to positively combat these negative side-effects naturally, and help ease the physical and mental pain of treatments.

Confessions of a Spazzmastic Yogini

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OOps...I did it again. I've found myself in the same whirl-wind state of being I've tried so diligently to steer clear of.  This time though, I'm grateful for the abundance of great opportunities my schedule has offered up to me and at the same time, making changes necessary to take care of myself. Progress. It is true, The Great Universe sends us lessons over and over again until you "get it".  So, I was reminded of this article I had written for Origin Magazine last year and thought I would share it here as well. Enjoy the picture, it tells the truth.

Confessions of an Imperfectly Perfect Yogini

“Peaceful” Yogini With Anxiety

 When I teach yoga it is a channel of perfect peace, complete with rays of light beaming down upon me and the sounds of Heaven surrounding me. When I teach I feel grounded, centered, calm, and have no questions about who I am or what I am offering to the beautiful sentient beings before me contorting their bodies, breathing, and actually listening to what I have to say. It must be true that I am a channel for something far greater than myself because I have had students say that I have offered them the most brilliant original quotes I don’t remember uttering from my throat chakra.  Time and time again I have heard, ”DeAnna, you are just so peaceful and centered.”  Oh dear, how I hate to disappoint them when they add me as a friend on Facebook and they begin to witness the non-focused, mess-making, social networking addict that is woven into the fiber of my very being. 

     Throughout my yoga-teaching career, I have learned to be more upfront regarding my struggles with anxiety, my obsession with achieving greater and greater goals, and my insane almost manic need to over schedule and over commit. By nature I am a pleaser and a prover.  Pleaser + Prover = Petri Dish for anxiety.  I’ve found, thru my honesty, more students and people off the street are able to relate to me.  Let it be noted, I truly could be put out to live on the street some days, as that is how lost in the dizziness of my mind I can get when I forget to practice my pranayama.

     Anxiety is described as all sorts of things:  fear, worry, concern and apprehension.  All of which can serve their purpose if we were like animals and could use this flight or fight response accordingly, but we don’t. Our culture says we are not safe enough, we do not own enough possessions, aren’t pretty or handsome enough, and/or aren’t emotionally stable enough. Stop watching so much news and see your anxiety decrease. Recognize how many coupons are dropped into your email, tempting you to buy more crap you don’t need and you do it because now you can have one in every color, causing loss of space at home, which gives us shows like Hoarders. Pa-leeze can we have some real looking people on the cover of magazines and people actually purchase them?! Finally, let us not feel, it’s a sign of weakness; so instead, let’s kill our emotions with medicine (though I do agree sometimes medicine is needed). This mini rant will now require twenty minutes of Paschimottanasana and Viparita Karani in order for me to calm down (fans face).

     The bottom line is, we need to stay in the present moment. Yoga teaches us this, but hardly anyone listens because of the reasons I listed above. Somehow we have to balance living in our culture and practicing the philosophy of yoga. After hours and hours of research, second, third, and forth guessing myself, worrying whether or not I was on to something brilliant or simply something mediocre, I have come up with a solution.  It is taught regularly, the practice of Pranayama eases the suffering of anxiety and believe me, I’ve practiced enough Nadi Shodhana Pranyama (one hand on the wheel, the other on my nose) while driving that I’m certain many people have felt sorry for the poor girl picking her nose driving down the highway.  And sure, it works, but it acts as a Band-Aid to the wound underneath. What we need to work on is taming and changing our minds and lifestyles as much as possible.  From the 8 Limbs of Yoga, I believe a close look at the Niyamas is necessary, especially Santosha (contentment) and Ishvara Pranidhana (surrender).

I came across this brilliant quote by the late Richard Abell, another Imperfectly Perfect being like myself who said, ”Anxiety is the space between the now and then.” If we are not content, we are either grasping for something in the future or grieving over something in the past. If we can learn to surrender to the natural flow of life, understanding the only constant is change; it is much easier to maintain a feeling of peace and calm. I do believe it is possible to weave the philosophy of yoga into our every day lives, however it takes greater practice than simply hitting the yoga mat three or five times per week.  I can practice some pretty awesome arm balances, but they do not give me peace. What gives me peace are those fleeting moments when I let go of control and trust in the natural flow of the Universe, feeling gratitude for all that I have and all that I am, no matter how Imperfect it may seem.

DeAnna Shires Nielsen M.Ed. E-RYT 500 is the creator of Breathe into Recovery: Yoga for Addiction Recovery and Breathe into Bliss: Yoga for Emotional Healing , and Founder of Blue Anjou Yoga Studio in Lewisville, Texas. www.blueanjou.com

I Love You Anyway

 “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”  ―C. S. Lewis

This is the 78th day of my 108 Day Svadhyaya (Self-Study) and I still love everybody (though some days barely).

A friend once asked me,"Gawd, you LOVE everybody, how do you do it?" My response was,"I don't know, I just see their heart, beyond the persona,  beyond the anger, painful actions, etc... honestly, I just "see" the best in people."

People are easy to love if you can see the Divine in everyone, it's just some people have so many layers of hurt and pain covering them up it's sometimes difficult to see through their crummy actions to the brilliance of their light (even if it is dimly lit). Sometimes our expectations of people get in the way of us loving each other too.

Loving everyone doesn't mean that if you walked into your home and someone was stealing your stuff you would say,"Excuse me, don't you know I love you, please don't violate my home, and by the way, the color of that shirt does not properly highlight the natural beauty of your skin." Or if someone speaks ill of you it doesn't mean you don't take the time to consider if this person is worth additional time because they are too busy NOT seeing the Divine in you to love you or themselves for that matter. It also doesn't mean if you were on the street and got mugged that you would give the perpetrator a great big hug right then and  there and say," Thank you for hurting me just now, that was awesome!"It also doesn't mean that everyone is your BFF, that you run to every one's rescue, or that you are supposed to become a door mat for all who cross your path or even that you try and play by everyone else's rules. 

Loving others IS seeing the Divine in others, while at the same time seeing yourself within them also. What is it about others that we reject within ourselves because we are afraid of truly looking within? What is it we want for ourselves that other people have? What expectations do we have for ourselves that we project on to others? How often do we NOT allow people to be human, making mistakes, just like we do?

During my self-study I have have had some Lessons pop back up where people are too busy judging me to love me and too busy not loving themselves to "see" me (my heart) loving them anyway. I resist every fiber in my being that wants to grab them and say, "'Don't you see I REALLY care about you? I really love you and wish you happiness?" Instead, I watch rumors fly, judgements be cast, stories developed about me that are not true, and time and time again I am not allowed to make mistakes.  Some days it takes unbelievable will power for me to keep from closing up my heart and stop putting myself out there for others. I never do that though. Instead, I give myself the "Do Your Best and Keep on Loving Pep Talk".  What I see is that most people come around, albeit years later, but only when they realize what love looks like.

Also, to be loved, one does not need to be "perfect". What is perfect? You do not need to please others in order to be loved. Your only duty is to be authentic, true to yourself, and the love and appreciation will be real and not based on some sort of persona you have built for yourself. This takes courage and makes you vulnerable, but THIS is loving yourself. When you can look in the mirror and give yourself the I Love You Anyway speech, it is then you can truly open yourself up to others and it is then that you will experience more joy than pain, more life than boredom, more inspiration than depression.  We are meant to love and be loved. It's a Universal Truth.

I am reminded of one of my most favorite things I have ever read, simple and true:

When they were finished reading, Olivia's Mother gives her a kiss and says,"You know, you really wear me out. But I love you anyway."

 And Olivia gives her a kiss back and says,"I love you anyway too."

I Forgive You because I Love Me

 I'm  now 59 days into intense self-study.  With that comes trips down memory lane through the reading of journals and the sweeping up of debris still stuck in my mind-attic. Just the other day I found an old journal in my real-live attic in my home from way back in 2004. It was a program Caroline Myss wrote and the very first assignment presented was to write about different "Contracts" we had with people in our lives where we still felt harmed in some way. In the process of doing this, we came to realize how these people who had harmed us, had taught us about ourselves and had added to our life experience, becoming significant teachers on our life path. It wasn't until late last year that I finally began to let go of the most painful experiences I had had and it was only through forgiveness that I began to heal completely. I now realize that I went through all of these things in order to help others in similar situations. I am now grateful for the experiences I have had.  Today I find it very easy to forgive people because now I don't blame them or take on a victim role, rather I look for the lesson they are there to teach me. 

 Ironically, as I focus on myself,  I am finding it much easier to become less self-absorbed and hear, feel, and see clearly where humanity is suffering. What I am hearing, seeing, and feeling is our habit of holding on to entirely too much emotional junk that does not serve us as individuals or as a collective whole. We are walking around wounded, wounding others and further harming ourselves. We re-live our painful childhoods, broken friendships, "failed" careers, divorces, often blaming others, waiting for them to apologize to us, but, we rarely find the peace we are looking for based on an apology, as the only real peace we find is through forgiveness that comes from the heart knowledge that we are all connected. Truth is, we all screw up somewhere, sometime, and all of us have room to forgive as well as to be forgiven.

 Why should you forgive that no-good asshole? When you hold on to resentment toward someone, you are bond to them energetically and they own a piece of you. If you want to be free you must let their harmful actions go. This does not mean you have forgotten what has happened and you should still be discerning, but holding onto anger, blame, and hurt is like drinking poison over and over again and what it is killing is your joyful spirit. Why are you giving them more of your life? Instead of letting them take more of your life away, see the gift they have given you. Maybe they have taught you to increase your intuition so you are not harmed again? Maybe they have taught you just how powerful you really are?

So, how do you do this without talking to the person who has hurt you? This may seem a bit hokey, but I use it and it works. Because of our energetic connection with every living being on this planet, we can easily connect at a higher level of awareness if we are so inclined. Just as you think of someone and suddenly they call you, you can call on some one's "higher self" and reach them in a way you may not realize. If you pray, you are trusting that God is ever-present and you can tap into the source at anytime. Like-wise we can do this with each other. I suggest finding a quiet space, breathing deeply and slowly (the best way to connect with your heart-space), begin to visualize your higher self and the person you need to forgive, their higher self, and have a conversation right there.  The conversation must not have blame or hurt surrounding it, only words that offer forgiveness and love. You are not excusing their actions, but seeing past those actions to their purest, joyful, loving self. This understanding and awareness breaks down walls and actually opens energy up for healing to take place. I have done this without the other person ever knowing and it is amazing how my relationship changed with them. Try it. Don't take my word for it. Do it and see what happens. Your thoughts and intentions are powerful. Use them for the greatest good and you will have joy and you will have peace.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." ~Mahatma Ghandi

Who's Your Puppet? Who's Puppet Are You? That is the Question.

Day 35 of  108 Days of intense self-study of my Life Play. I'm not rating it yet, but I'm guessing it's probably rated about the same as everyone else's at certain times of their lives and so, I think we can all relate.


I'm on Chapter 6 of The Bhagavad Gita and it is as if each chapter follows the lessons my life is offering me for growth in any given week.  The following is my self study challenge this week inspired by the Gita.


A short summery of chapter six as it resonates with me: Through Meditation one learns to calm an agitated mind in order to keep outside experiences from swaying us from knowing ourselves completely and loving ourselves fully. When we truly know and love ourselves, we are no longer bothered by other people's view of who they think we are AND we no longer try and fit people into roles we want them to play in our story of life because we no longer live in a story of illusion, but rather in a story of truth, seeing all sentient beings as sparks of the Divine and having equal regard for all, be they elephants, rats, Saintly beings or the worst kind of criminal. We also learn not to be elated by good fortune or depressed by the bad, rather, looking inward towards self realization and seeing those same qualities in others.  

The Great Illusion: All The World's A Stage.....

You can build a stage in your mind and you can assign roles to the people you interact with, who then become actors in your life, rather than allowing them to be the beautiful imperfectly perfect beings they are with their own views and experiences. You can put words in their mouths and create experiences for them that aren't even true without them knowing it.  You can do this all without their permission, but you can not, without their permission make them do or be anything that they do not agree to. If we take the time to know ourselves, we can no longer be played by someone with ill intentions and what once was a person administering a mind-fuck is now seen as a person suffering more than you are.  You can then choose to offer compassion and understanding while refusing to play dress rehearsal with them.


No thank you. I don't like that outfit you picked out for me, it doesn't fit. Those aren't my shoes to fill.


No thank you. I really don't need to create more Drama in my life to feel interesting and to be entertained.


No thank you. I don't have to buy into your script to "see" or "hear" you; we can agree to disagree and I can love you just the same.


No thank you. I won't re-wind and replay those negative words you said about me in my mind because I've checked and they do not resonate within my sacred mind-space.

No thank you. I don't think I will stay in this chapter anymore and our contract is over until a sequel that resonates more harmoniously for us both is written.



But, yes, thank you for allowing me the freedom to be myself. Thank you for telling me I don't need to play by your rules or become something I am not to please you and you do not need to change to please me.  I am pleased by you already because I truly see you, I truly hear you, because within you, I see me and I am not afraid to take a good, close, look because I am my own Stage Manager and I happen to know the story I'm writing has a happy ending. I wish the same for you too.

INNERState Road Rage

I'm 28 Days into Svadhyaya (Self-Study). 28 Days of looking in the mirror without make-up on and in natural lighting.

Some days I have boogers in my nose and other days I shine with brilliance like the most perfect flower.

My Guide for the intention of the week comes from The Bhagavad Gita. I read/study a chapter each Sunday and it sets the focus for the week. What do I need to work on? What have I already mastered in my life (for now)?

I'm on Chapter Five and this Girlfriend has some work to do, though I'll give myself props for what I have already accomplished.

What have I learned So Far?


I'm A:

Walking/Yoga Posing Contradiction (I don't like this, I don't do that...except for when I do)

Advocate for the Greater Good (I do seek to serve for the Greater Good, even if it does not serve me, always have)

Person In Need of Support Just Like Everyone Else (Learning to ask for help)

Recovered Self-Righteous Person (My path is no longer better than your path, it's all good, but that doesn't mean I need to walk your path with you to prove I love you)




I Have:

Inner Road Rage. (Internal conflict I blame on my Irish and Italian Genetics and my need to always be busy)

A Huge Heart and Love to Give (Take it or leave, believe it or don't...It's always been there for the taking, but no longer for the abusing)

Limited Time for What is Important (I have grieved for lost time with my family for career pursuits...no more)

Need for being Discerning rather than Judgemental (Fine line)

Embraced Meditation Fully (to help sort out  and/or absorb all of the above)


This Week in The Bhagavad Gita: (Focus on the Inner Road Rage mentioned above)

Renunciation Vs. Action:

"The one who is able to master the force born of anger and desire here in this world before release from the body is a karma-yogin. He or She indeed is a happy person."

Action is better than inaction (renunciation), but the intent should be for the greater good and there should be no attachment to the outcome of our actions, be they "positive" or "negative". My InnerState Highway is very busy, like rush hour on a Friday. To choose my actions wisely, I am asking myself why I am driven to do this or that and I know if my heart is in the place of love, then the action is worth doing and I should stay on the road. If I selfishly expect something in return, then it is better not to act and get off of the road until I can come from a more honest place. This should be interesting and I rather enjoy Happiness Road. If I am happy, I can better serve others and this makes me even more happy.

I Chose Meditation Over Whiskey! *High Fiver to Me*

I'm now into Day 17 of my 108 Days of Svadhyaya (Self-Study).


I've been learning a lot and it's nothing like I thought it would be, not in the feelings I have or in the methods I have actually embraced. I'm going to choose one subject of the 108 Day journey I am surprised about. 


 : BRAG ALERT: This is a very monumental accomplishment for me. 



I've practiced yoga almost 20 years and have tried and tried to practice meditation in a way that made me crave it. After trying dozens of methods of meditation, Tratak meditation (candle gazing) has been my meditation of choice until a good friend of mine I met via Facebook offered me a 15 minute meditation consisting of pranayama, visualizations, chanting, self-inquiry, and dedication of offering. This has been the PERFECT meditation for me. This is keeping my anxiety in check and the levels of anxiety I feel are much lower AND I feel more connected to my purest self and the world as a whole. While there are many more topics I could write about in this Blog today, one thing I KNOW about this moment, is I have 20 minutes to write this, no more than that and that is enough and THAT is what meditation is teaching me.

 Through this new meditation method I have realized I am attached to negative labels *shudders*, labels that I tell everyone else to reject. "Refrain from negatively labeling yourself, you will become dependant on it," I often say. It turns out I have been attached to my label as a person with anxiety AND have spoken openly about my Cracked Out Monkey Mind that I feel gives me spunk and helps me accomplish my many projects (with a smile on my face). I am happy to announce I've not been feeding my monkey crack anymore and I still have spunk....spunk with clarity....and I'm getting more accomplished now than I ever thought possible...with less mistakes even......and my smile is almost so ridiculous it could be on a Orbit Gum commercial with sparks of stars flying off my teeth it's so bright.


So, I am detaching myself from these labels that no longer serve me. I am changing my Labeling of Cracked Out Monkey Mind with Anxiety and am now calling myself a Serious Meditator in recovery from anxiety. I knew my new label was working when I had an exceptionally challenging day a few days ago and wanted a quick fix of  Wild Turkey 101 and Coke Zero so I could relax while I was cooking dinner for my family. Instead, I put down the chopping knife mid-bell pepper, went to my Sun Room and practiced meditation. I craved it. In that moment I KNEW I had become a consistent Meditator (with a capital M).

So, naturally, the first thing I did was create my meditation space and I documented it with a couple of photos. I have had a chair in my Sun Room for a couple of years with stuff piled on top of it (the stuff changes) and so, I dusted it off, fluffed the cushions and sat down to begin dusting off my mind. It's a beautiful journey and my 20 minutes is up. Enjoy the before and after pictures of where it all happens. I wish I could show you a picture of my brain activity also, it's probably all Zen like with only a few cobwebs here and there. So in-love with this journey. 

BEFORE

AFTER

108 Days of Svadhyaya Proposal

Oh hello again clouded perception of reality, it's been so long since we have met and now you are back and I want you to go away because I am way behind and you are keeping me from moving forward. Seriously, do be kind and step aside because you are overstaying your welcome and I don't need you anymore. Why do you keep trying to pull down my bar of very high standards I have for myself, it works for me. Or does it?  I guess it does hurt.......... just a little........ok, a lot. Maybe that bar I've set is unrealistic and I'm doing things all kinds of wrong and all kinds of backwards.

 This summer is a summer of growing pains. I don't pretend to have any real troubles, as my life is blessed and cushy, and I don't take it for granted, in fact, it's so wonderful I usually don't allow myself to grieve for very long and I beat myself up if I feel sorry for myself for more than 5 minutes. I am one of the, as they say, "lucky" ones. I am also human and humans have struggles and all of our emotions that go along with these struggles are the same.There are only so many emotions we can choose from as humans and well, we've all been there done all of them.

Our life is full of teachers who teach us something every day, unfortunately most of our lessons are learned in the depth of despair because without pain we wouldn't change anything. My teachers the past six months come in the form of very close friendships that have hit major Obstacles (Call on Ganesha), the death of my Grandfather who did his own part in helping to raise me and influence me in ways that help me achieve success today, and the death of my 18 year old cat (I was there when both passed). While my Grandfather and Cat were passing away, I canceled ALL of the things I had held as high priority in order to be there with them. For once in my life I did not care about achieving my external goals and all I wanted to do was embrace my entire family and give myself a break from things I DO for a living, but things that are not ME. Guess what happened? Everything went on fine without me, deadlines for awesome opportunities were missed, and nothing horrible came of it. I also noticed my anxiety I have been living with the past 8 years was gone! Just. Like. That.

This got me thinking about ME a lot. Why have I been an overachiever since I was a child? Why do I care about who is there for me and who is not there for me? Why do I care about how many credentials I can put after my name? Why do I sacrifice myself and my family for people who would probably be fine and dandy without my "advice" or council. Why do I feel the need to offer so much advice or council anyway? My answer isn't that interesting. My answers is simply,"You don't want to take the time to just be with YOU."You don't hold yourself as high importance. Well, that's got to change because I am getting sick and tired, literally.

So, I am proposing a challenge to myself for myself to clear my muddy lens of perception once and for all (until that next time). Svadhyaya or self study is the Fourth Niyama or Personal Observances of the Pantanjali Yoga Sutras. I've spent a lot of time studying ways to help and support others and myself, but I've never actually taken the time for a deep interacting with myself, where I put this interaction first, no exceptions. I'm not really certain how all of this will go, but it will consist of attending more frequent yoga classes, pranyama & meditation daily, and more Ayurvedic Study and Application than I currently incorporate into my life. I will do this while living a normal, fast paced Western Life because there is no way around it and there is no cave to escape into. I have Dharmas (duties) to attend to, that I agreed to, though I now feel the first one needs to be a facing of the self. My goal is to find a way to live in this culture in a way that serves, me, my family, and finally, my career. I want to live a life free of anxiety once and for all. Can I do this? I feel I can if I promise myself to stay committed to my aim.

While my focus has always been on others, I don't expect that to change, as I love people and I live to serve, but for 108 days I will serve myself first and my healing will allow me to serve in greater numbers when I am living free of anxiety and honoring the Vedic teachings I have learned through greater application into my life. I also plan on bringing back into my life things I enjoy that I have neglected in order to have more time to "help everyone else". I have no measuring stick for this, no method really, but I plan on trusting myself to lead the way. That's the first step.

Start Date? I don't know that either, but self is telling me sometime in the beginning of September. I also plan on keeping this journey logged in this blog. I've been "blogging" on-line since before blogs existed and it's something I always enjoyed and gave up to, again, "help everyone else"first.

Soooo, muddy perception, may you leave, Bye Bye. I'm ready to do the work and  face the truth.

"Make no mistake about it- enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretense. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true." ~ Adyashati

Rebirth and Renewel: Sa Ta Na Ma

My blog has been neglected, but this is my personal space and it misses me, or rather, I miss it. After writing the last entry in September, I ended up going through some shifts in my life, wringing me out and catapulting me so far and so quickly I feel I've lived many lifetimes since. 
 
Today is Easter and I found myself in some nostalgic moments, beginning last night when my son refused to decorate eggs with us (sniff) and then this morning when some music from my college days came blaring through my speakers reminding me of those days I lived for everyone else's vision of who I should be.  How I have changed since then and how many more (sniffs) will I have as I watch my children grow and change.
Easter and Spring encourage the feelings of optimism, inspiration, and growth.  For growth to occur, change must take place, when something changes, something else must cease to exist as we know it.  We often fear change, but without change, we aren’t living. 
 
It’s simple to grasp concrete objects such as eggs bringing forth new life or seeds manifesting new growth and even still, the birth or death of an animal or human being, but what about those things we cannot see, but feel? The cycle of life consists of many deaths and rebirths within a single incarnation as life brings us experiences.
In this life I have lived many and the person I was  just 5 years ago, while at the soul level is still the same, I am now someone I could have never imagined myself “growing” into. The growth I have experienced came from the death of dreams I had with tumultuous relationships, failed goals, and embarrassing mistakes. At the time the pain and suffering of these events were not welcome, but now I view these things as the fuel behind the person I am today and I love who I am today even more because I went through all of these things and never lost the sense of my truest essence.
 
While I have experienced and continue to experience many deaths and rebirths, the most notable came for me when I was married and then divorced within two years. Madly in-love, I married a man when I was in my early 20’s who was an emotionally abusive addict, someone suffering on such a deep level that it brought out every part of me that had been suffering silently from past trauma for years. I never knew I could be so hateful, fearful, and desperate.   He isolated me from my family and friends the best he could, literally telling me to run from him, yet leaving me no way out. I remember one early morning, after one of his drunken episodes and night out with other women, I had locked myself in the bathroom, afraid of what he might do, having already thrown up from his insults, when I realized I was either going to die or this stage of my life had to be over. No matter how much he was suffering, I could not complete this cycle of karma for him or myself if I stayed.  It was time for this dream to die and a new life to be born and so it began. It was a painful death, but one that eventually led me to where I am today. The people I know, the career I have, my current husband and children, I experience because I moved to Texas when I married him. What a wonderful gift he gave me.  From the birth and eventual death of that marriage, came many births and deaths, and more continue still and for each of them I am grateful.
 
As I watch people go through this cycle I realize how necessary it is and I hope they may be as blessed as I have been in understanding it is all a part of our growth process. Life is not made better up on the mountain top, but in the deep valleys where we have the choice to either give up or come face to face with our true grit and move on to that next chapter.
 
One of the first Chants I ever practiced is Sa Ta Na Ma.  The Sa Ta Na Ma Kriya Meditation is used to embrace and celebrate the cycle of Life, Death, Birth, and Rebirth. When we can accept and embrace that change is the only constant and that we are here to evolve and grow, each death we experience becomes a little less painful than the last and each birth comes a little bit easier than the one before.

Sa Ta Na Ma: The Five Primal Sounds
Each Sound Evokes a Feeling:
Sa: Expansion
Ta: Transformation
Na: Universal Love
Ma: Communicativeness

Each Sound Represents The Eternal Cycle of Life:

Sa: Birth
Ta: Life
Na: Death
Ma: Rebirth

For Each Sound You Use a Hand Mudra:
Sa: Thumb to Index  Finger = Gyan Mudra
Ta: Thumb to Middle Finger = Akash Mudra
Na: Thumb to Ring Finger = Prithvi Mudra     
Ma: Thumb to Pinky Finger= Varun Mudra

The Meditation Practice:
Yogi Bhajan once said that if there is any meditation you practice, let this be the one.
Combine each mudra with it’s sound repeating each 3 times out loud, 3 times whispering, 3 times silently, 3 times whispering, 3 times out loud. As you progress, you may then practice this for 11 minutes, then work towards 31!

Embrace the Cycle!