Confessions of a Spazzmastic Yogini

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OOps...I did it again. I've found myself in the same whirl-wind state of being I've tried so diligently to steer clear of.  This time though, I'm grateful for the abundance of great opportunities my schedule has offered up to me and at the same time, making changes necessary to take care of myself. Progress. It is true, The Great Universe sends us lessons over and over again until you "get it".  So, I was reminded of this article I had written for Origin Magazine last year and thought I would share it here as well. Enjoy the picture, it tells the truth.

Confessions of an Imperfectly Perfect Yogini

“Peaceful” Yogini With Anxiety

 When I teach yoga it is a channel of perfect peace, complete with rays of light beaming down upon me and the sounds of Heaven surrounding me. When I teach I feel grounded, centered, calm, and have no questions about who I am or what I am offering to the beautiful sentient beings before me contorting their bodies, breathing, and actually listening to what I have to say. It must be true that I am a channel for something far greater than myself because I have had students say that I have offered them the most brilliant original quotes I don’t remember uttering from my throat chakra.  Time and time again I have heard, ”DeAnna, you are just so peaceful and centered.”  Oh dear, how I hate to disappoint them when they add me as a friend on Facebook and they begin to witness the non-focused, mess-making, social networking addict that is woven into the fiber of my very being. 

     Throughout my yoga-teaching career, I have learned to be more upfront regarding my struggles with anxiety, my obsession with achieving greater and greater goals, and my insane almost manic need to over schedule and over commit. By nature I am a pleaser and a prover.  Pleaser + Prover = Petri Dish for anxiety.  I’ve found, thru my honesty, more students and people off the street are able to relate to me.  Let it be noted, I truly could be put out to live on the street some days, as that is how lost in the dizziness of my mind I can get when I forget to practice my pranayama.

     Anxiety is described as all sorts of things:  fear, worry, concern and apprehension.  All of which can serve their purpose if we were like animals and could use this flight or fight response accordingly, but we don’t. Our culture says we are not safe enough, we do not own enough possessions, aren’t pretty or handsome enough, and/or aren’t emotionally stable enough. Stop watching so much news and see your anxiety decrease. Recognize how many coupons are dropped into your email, tempting you to buy more crap you don’t need and you do it because now you can have one in every color, causing loss of space at home, which gives us shows like Hoarders. Pa-leeze can we have some real looking people on the cover of magazines and people actually purchase them?! Finally, let us not feel, it’s a sign of weakness; so instead, let’s kill our emotions with medicine (though I do agree sometimes medicine is needed). This mini rant will now require twenty minutes of Paschimottanasana and Viparita Karani in order for me to calm down (fans face).

     The bottom line is, we need to stay in the present moment. Yoga teaches us this, but hardly anyone listens because of the reasons I listed above. Somehow we have to balance living in our culture and practicing the philosophy of yoga. After hours and hours of research, second, third, and forth guessing myself, worrying whether or not I was on to something brilliant or simply something mediocre, I have come up with a solution.  It is taught regularly, the practice of Pranayama eases the suffering of anxiety and believe me, I’ve practiced enough Nadi Shodhana Pranyama (one hand on the wheel, the other on my nose) while driving that I’m certain many people have felt sorry for the poor girl picking her nose driving down the highway.  And sure, it works, but it acts as a Band-Aid to the wound underneath. What we need to work on is taming and changing our minds and lifestyles as much as possible.  From the 8 Limbs of Yoga, I believe a close look at the Niyamas is necessary, especially Santosha (contentment) and Ishvara Pranidhana (surrender).

I came across this brilliant quote by the late Richard Abell, another Imperfectly Perfect being like myself who said, ”Anxiety is the space between the now and then.” If we are not content, we are either grasping for something in the future or grieving over something in the past. If we can learn to surrender to the natural flow of life, understanding the only constant is change; it is much easier to maintain a feeling of peace and calm. I do believe it is possible to weave the philosophy of yoga into our every day lives, however it takes greater practice than simply hitting the yoga mat three or five times per week.  I can practice some pretty awesome arm balances, but they do not give me peace. What gives me peace are those fleeting moments when I let go of control and trust in the natural flow of the Universe, feeling gratitude for all that I have and all that I am, no matter how Imperfect it may seem.

DeAnna Shires Nielsen M.Ed. E-RYT 500 is the creator of Breathe into Recovery: Yoga for Addiction Recovery and Breathe into Bliss: Yoga for Emotional Healing , and Founder of Blue Anjou Yoga Studio in Lewisville, Texas. www.blueanjou.com

I Chose Meditation Over Whiskey! *High Fiver to Me*

I'm now into Day 17 of my 108 Days of Svadhyaya (Self-Study).


I've been learning a lot and it's nothing like I thought it would be, not in the feelings I have or in the methods I have actually embraced. I'm going to choose one subject of the 108 Day journey I am surprised about. 


 : BRAG ALERT: This is a very monumental accomplishment for me. 



I've practiced yoga almost 20 years and have tried and tried to practice meditation in a way that made me crave it. After trying dozens of methods of meditation, Tratak meditation (candle gazing) has been my meditation of choice until a good friend of mine I met via Facebook offered me a 15 minute meditation consisting of pranayama, visualizations, chanting, self-inquiry, and dedication of offering. This has been the PERFECT meditation for me. This is keeping my anxiety in check and the levels of anxiety I feel are much lower AND I feel more connected to my purest self and the world as a whole. While there are many more topics I could write about in this Blog today, one thing I KNOW about this moment, is I have 20 minutes to write this, no more than that and that is enough and THAT is what meditation is teaching me.

 Through this new meditation method I have realized I am attached to negative labels *shudders*, labels that I tell everyone else to reject. "Refrain from negatively labeling yourself, you will become dependant on it," I often say. It turns out I have been attached to my label as a person with anxiety AND have spoken openly about my Cracked Out Monkey Mind that I feel gives me spunk and helps me accomplish my many projects (with a smile on my face). I am happy to announce I've not been feeding my monkey crack anymore and I still have spunk....spunk with clarity....and I'm getting more accomplished now than I ever thought possible...with less mistakes even......and my smile is almost so ridiculous it could be on a Orbit Gum commercial with sparks of stars flying off my teeth it's so bright.


So, I am detaching myself from these labels that no longer serve me. I am changing my Labeling of Cracked Out Monkey Mind with Anxiety and am now calling myself a Serious Meditator in recovery from anxiety. I knew my new label was working when I had an exceptionally challenging day a few days ago and wanted a quick fix of  Wild Turkey 101 and Coke Zero so I could relax while I was cooking dinner for my family. Instead, I put down the chopping knife mid-bell pepper, went to my Sun Room and practiced meditation. I craved it. In that moment I KNEW I had become a consistent Meditator (with a capital M).

So, naturally, the first thing I did was create my meditation space and I documented it with a couple of photos. I have had a chair in my Sun Room for a couple of years with stuff piled on top of it (the stuff changes) and so, I dusted it off, fluffed the cushions and sat down to begin dusting off my mind. It's a beautiful journey and my 20 minutes is up. Enjoy the before and after pictures of where it all happens. I wish I could show you a picture of my brain activity also, it's probably all Zen like with only a few cobwebs here and there. So in-love with this journey. 

BEFORE

AFTER

108 Days of Svadhyaya Proposal

Oh hello again clouded perception of reality, it's been so long since we have met and now you are back and I want you to go away because I am way behind and you are keeping me from moving forward. Seriously, do be kind and step aside because you are overstaying your welcome and I don't need you anymore. Why do you keep trying to pull down my bar of very high standards I have for myself, it works for me. Or does it?  I guess it does hurt.......... just a little........ok, a lot. Maybe that bar I've set is unrealistic and I'm doing things all kinds of wrong and all kinds of backwards.

 This summer is a summer of growing pains. I don't pretend to have any real troubles, as my life is blessed and cushy, and I don't take it for granted, in fact, it's so wonderful I usually don't allow myself to grieve for very long and I beat myself up if I feel sorry for myself for more than 5 minutes. I am one of the, as they say, "lucky" ones. I am also human and humans have struggles and all of our emotions that go along with these struggles are the same.There are only so many emotions we can choose from as humans and well, we've all been there done all of them.

Our life is full of teachers who teach us something every day, unfortunately most of our lessons are learned in the depth of despair because without pain we wouldn't change anything. My teachers the past six months come in the form of very close friendships that have hit major Obstacles (Call on Ganesha), the death of my Grandfather who did his own part in helping to raise me and influence me in ways that help me achieve success today, and the death of my 18 year old cat (I was there when both passed). While my Grandfather and Cat were passing away, I canceled ALL of the things I had held as high priority in order to be there with them. For once in my life I did not care about achieving my external goals and all I wanted to do was embrace my entire family and give myself a break from things I DO for a living, but things that are not ME. Guess what happened? Everything went on fine without me, deadlines for awesome opportunities were missed, and nothing horrible came of it. I also noticed my anxiety I have been living with the past 8 years was gone! Just. Like. That.

This got me thinking about ME a lot. Why have I been an overachiever since I was a child? Why do I care about who is there for me and who is not there for me? Why do I care about how many credentials I can put after my name? Why do I sacrifice myself and my family for people who would probably be fine and dandy without my "advice" or council. Why do I feel the need to offer so much advice or council anyway? My answer isn't that interesting. My answers is simply,"You don't want to take the time to just be with YOU."You don't hold yourself as high importance. Well, that's got to change because I am getting sick and tired, literally.

So, I am proposing a challenge to myself for myself to clear my muddy lens of perception once and for all (until that next time). Svadhyaya or self study is the Fourth Niyama or Personal Observances of the Pantanjali Yoga Sutras. I've spent a lot of time studying ways to help and support others and myself, but I've never actually taken the time for a deep interacting with myself, where I put this interaction first, no exceptions. I'm not really certain how all of this will go, but it will consist of attending more frequent yoga classes, pranyama & meditation daily, and more Ayurvedic Study and Application than I currently incorporate into my life. I will do this while living a normal, fast paced Western Life because there is no way around it and there is no cave to escape into. I have Dharmas (duties) to attend to, that I agreed to, though I now feel the first one needs to be a facing of the self. My goal is to find a way to live in this culture in a way that serves, me, my family, and finally, my career. I want to live a life free of anxiety once and for all. Can I do this? I feel I can if I promise myself to stay committed to my aim.

While my focus has always been on others, I don't expect that to change, as I love people and I live to serve, but for 108 days I will serve myself first and my healing will allow me to serve in greater numbers when I am living free of anxiety and honoring the Vedic teachings I have learned through greater application into my life. I also plan on bringing back into my life things I enjoy that I have neglected in order to have more time to "help everyone else". I have no measuring stick for this, no method really, but I plan on trusting myself to lead the way. That's the first step.

Start Date? I don't know that either, but self is telling me sometime in the beginning of September. I also plan on keeping this journey logged in this blog. I've been "blogging" on-line since before blogs existed and it's something I always enjoyed and gave up to, again, "help everyone else"first.

Soooo, muddy perception, may you leave, Bye Bye. I'm ready to do the work and  face the truth.

"Make no mistake about it- enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretense. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true." ~ Adyashati

Inner Birkenride 2010, Making Peace with Anxiety

Two months before the MS 150 Bike Ride, I bought a bike and began training for the two day, 160 mile bike ride (I wish they would call it the MS 160, but story is, the route changed, just not the name). I knew choosing a ride for charity would inspire me to reach my goal of completing some sort of event where I wore numbers on my body (because how cool is that?) and it did. I raised $1,080.00 for multiple sclerosis, $80 over my goal. Not only did I support those living with MS, I learned a lot about myself along the way.

My female friend T inspired me with her own past riding accomplishments and my male friend T, with years of experience, served as my coach, riding with me at a turtle's pace until I could go it alone. To these two people, I owe an abundance of gratitude and to my husband, I owe even more, because without his competitive spirit, I don't think I would have ever have been so determined to complete this ride in the way that I did.

Before beginning my training, the anxiety I had been living with was almost debilitating. Not many people know the intensity of the anxiety I have battled for years, being that I teach yoga and appear to be so grounded. The truth is, an anxious yoga teacher is simply a contradiction to the stereotype. In any case, I had reached the lowest point I had ever felt before, driven by a constant feeling that the rug was being swept out from underneath me and the constant roller coaster was mostly on the downhill. The asana, pranayama, meditation, and medication were no longer enough and I needed something more. At this point I was seeing a Reiki Master often and she asked,"Do you ride a bike?" Amazed I said,"I just bought one yesterday." She said,"That is going to be good for you." She was correct, it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it has changed my life.

After T got me comfortable on my bike, I started training on my own, 30 miles at a time alone, just me and my bike. Some days were easier than others, some seemed more uphill than downhill and some more windy and unyielding, but still, I kept on, alone, by myself, no one watching, receiving no approval or encouragement except for my own. For once in my life, I was enough. I do have to admit, however, I did feel very cool when I saw other riders or was surrounded by traffic.

The morning of the ride I was tired, I hadn't slept, but I was ready. I had all of my gear organized and I was on my way towards the completion of something which required me wearing numbers. My number was 887 and 7 is my favorite number, so I felt things were going to go my way. My friends and I started preparations to leave when I noticed my bike shoes were missing and all I had on were some Birkenstocks from 1993. I raced back to the luggage truck to try and find my black bag amongst the 100's of other black bags that looked just like mine. I selfishly prayed I would find my bag, my heart raced, my limbs started to go numb and I thought,"This can't happen." One of the event organizers said,"Mam, you can just ride tomorrow." I thought, "No, No, NO!" I thought of the people with MS and how some of them can barely move and then I heard my husband's voice,"No way you are actually going to train for this AND complete it." I turned around and male T was standing there and he said,"Well, are you just going to meet us in the middle and ride tomorrow?" I said,"Fuck that shit, I'm riding in my Birkenstocks." No doubt we laughed and no doubt I looked like a total Tool, but I wasn't giving up. Sure, you bet there were comments along the way. My favorite was a man who looked down at my feet and said,"OMG, are those Birkenstocks? I have been riding for 16 years and have NEVER seen that." I rode the first day, 86 miles, in my Birkenstocks, my feet felt great, the Birks survived, and I was proud of myself for sticking it out.


Day two I was even more exhausted and the hills and wind were almost too much. At one point a man came up next to me and he said,"Sit up straight so you can breathe!" I laughed at the irony of someone reminding ME, a yoga teacher, to correct my posture and breathe. I did what he said and managed to get up that hill with still a few curse words to spare for later. By the time we were at the last break point, I had exhausted all of my curse words and it was no longer fun. I just wanted to be finished. The rest of the way I thought about eating something other than power bars, pickle juice, and cookies and I thought even more about those living with MS. When I saw the Finish Line I was excited to see my family and my friend M who's mash-up picture I am posting here. I had crossed a finish line wearing numbers and could check another life goal off of my list.

This journey was an amazing one and the love I have for riding my bike is like breath to me. While my anxiety is still there, it no longer drives me or my actions, as I am in better control. The freedom I feel on my bike reminds me of childhood, an escape into the more playful part of my spirit. My next goal is to ride a Century (100 miles in one day) and who knows, I might even do it in my Birkentocks.

Choosing Silence

As a whole, we are all much more busy and less focused than ever. We are overstimulated with constant communication. We get upset when we can not get a hold of someone in 3 minutes. ***hold on a text just came in***

We are so busy trying to connect with others that we have ceased connecting with ourselves and in doing so our emotions are no longer stable, but rather in a state of flux. Much like this:



As I was saying, we are constantly multi-tasking in order to connect with others. We can blog, text, email, shop, and listen to the horrible news on the TV all at once. ***hold on, gotta go get some juice for my kiddo***

We have this unyielding need (desire) to work more, volunteer more, buy more, be more (beautiful, social, educated, etc..). ***Oh look, Mike's status on Facebook indicates he is doing absolutely nothing at the moment, but isn't he on Facebook?***

I don't think we know how to do "nothing" anymore. I think it's a problem. This is simply my opinion and nobody asked for it, but for the sake of being too idle, I thought I would muse a bit.

We are simply too busy, yet we keep piling on more!





I have been off of my anxiety medication for six months now and while I live with a constant state of panic, a heaviness in my chest, I am determined to relieve my anxiety as naturally as I can this time. I have put in countless hours of research regarding anxiety and here are the symptoms I have found that I live with almost constantly unless I am teaching or practicing yoga. Truly, these two times are the only times I find peace.

I Experience:

* Feelings of apprehension or dread
* Trouble concentrating
* Feeling tense and jumpy
* Irritability
* Restlessness
* Feeling like my mind has gone blank
* Pounding heart
* Stomach upset
* Shortness of breath
* Muscle tension
* Headaches
* Fatigue

While anxiety is the natural and healthy response to fight or flight, having these sensations constantly indicate I have a problem. While I would love to spend 24 hours a day practicing yoga asana, meditation, or pranayama, I don't think this would bode well in my life as a modern-day woman. *** Hold on gotta make sure the kids are ready to leave for our 30 errands of the day as soon as I finish this blog***

So, what am I to do?

I am choosing to go silent and make the connection to myself. I have not been listening much to Self and now it is time. Yes, I am volunteering to be in my very own, overly processed head. Alone. I am also researching various silent retreats and hope to be brave enough to attend one in the next year. I have started a 40 Day Journal to record this process. I will not be seeking counsel from others, but rather, depending on my intuition and trust I will make the changes needed to return to a more healthy and balanced state of being. The only way I can get there is to stop and listen.




“See how nature - trees, flowers, grass - grows in silence; see the stars, the moon, and the sun, how they move in silence...we need silence to be able to touch souls.” Mother Teresa