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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Inner Birkenride 2010, Making Peace with Anxiety

Two months before the MS 150 Bike Ride, I bought a bike and began training for the two day, 160 mile bike ride (I wish they would call it the MS 160, but story is, the route changed, just not the name). I knew choosing a ride for charity would inspire me to reach my goal of completing some sort of event where I wore numbers on my body (because how cool is that?) and it did. I raised $1,080.00 for multiple sclerosis, $80 over my goal. Not only did I support those living with MS, I learned a lot about myself along the way.

My female friend T inspired me with her own past riding accomplishments and my male friend T, with years of experience, served as my coach, riding with me at a turtle's pace until I could go it alone. To these two people, I owe an abundance of gratitude and to my husband, I owe even more, because without his competitive spirit, I don't think I would have ever have been so determined to complete this ride in the way that I did.

Before beginning my training, the anxiety I had been living with was almost debilitating. Not many people know the intensity of the anxiety I have battled for years, being that I teach yoga and appear to be so grounded. The truth is, an anxious yoga teacher is simply a contradiction to the stereotype. In any case, I had reached the lowest point I had ever felt before, driven by a constant feeling that the rug was being swept out from underneath me and the constant roller coaster was mostly on the downhill. The asana, pranayama, meditation, and medication were no longer enough and I needed something more. At this point I was seeing a Reiki Master often and she asked,"Do you ride a bike?" Amazed I said,"I just bought one yesterday." She said,"That is going to be good for you." She was correct, it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it has changed my life.

After T got me comfortable on my bike, I started training on my own, 30 miles at a time alone, just me and my bike. Some days were easier than others, some seemed more uphill than downhill and some more windy and unyielding, but still, I kept on, alone, by myself, no one watching, receiving no approval or encouragement except for my own. For once in my life, I was enough. I do have to admit, however, I did feel very cool when I saw other riders or was surrounded by traffic.

The morning of the ride I was tired, I hadn't slept, but I was ready. I had all of my gear organized and I was on my way towards the completion of something which required me wearing numbers. My number was 887 and 7 is my favorite number, so I felt things were going to go my way. My friends and I started preparations to leave when I noticed my bike shoes were missing and all I had on were some Birkenstocks from 1993. I raced back to the luggage truck to try and find my black bag amongst the 100's of other black bags that looked just like mine. I selfishly prayed I would find my bag, my heart raced, my limbs started to go numb and I thought,"This can't happen." One of the event organizers said,"Mam, you can just ride tomorrow." I thought, "No, No, NO!" I thought of the people with MS and how some of them can barely move and then I heard my husband's voice,"No way you are actually going to train for this AND complete it." I turned around and male T was standing there and he said,"Well, are you just going to meet us in the middle and ride tomorrow?" I said,"Fuck that shit, I'm riding in my Birkenstocks." No doubt we laughed and no doubt I looked like a total Tool, but I wasn't giving up. Sure, you bet there were comments along the way. My favorite was a man who looked down at my feet and said,"OMG, are those Birkenstocks? I have been riding for 16 years and have NEVER seen that." I rode the first day, 86 miles, in my Birkenstocks, my feet felt great, the Birks survived, and I was proud of myself for sticking it out.

Day two I was even more exhausted and the hills and wind were almost too much. At one point a man came up next to me and he said,"Sit up straight so you can breathe!" I laughed at the irony of someone reminding ME, a yoga teacher, to correct my posture and breathe. I did what he said and managed to get up that hill with still a few curse words to spare for later. By the time we were at the last break point, I had exhausted all of my curse words and it was no longer fun. I just wanted to be finished. The rest of the way I thought about eating something other than power bars, pickle juice, and cookies and I thought even more about those living with MS. When I saw the Finish Line I was excited to see my family and my friend M who's mash-up picture I am posting here. I had crossed a finish line wearing numbers and could check another life goal off of my list.

This journey was an amazing one and the love I have for riding my bike is like breath to me. While my anxiety is still there, it no longer drives me or my actions, as I am in better control. The freedom I feel on my bike reminds me of childhood, an escape into the more playful part of my spirit. My next goal is to ride a Century (100 miles in one day) and who knows, I might even do it in my Birkentocks.


Flux said...

wOOt wOOt DeAnna! This was an inspiring read, and it makes me proud to be your friend!!!

T said...

I LOVE it. SO true.

And you didn't even mention the funny Birkie burn on your feet from riding in the sun all day. :)

Such a hippie cyclist! xxoo

Dr. Jay SW said...

I did an MS 150 ride a couple years ago (which, for me was actually MS 175, since I did a century the first first and only). You brought it a lot more $$$ for the cause than I did, though...and that's what counts.

Not so sure about the Birks, though...I once wiped out going down a hill an the sole got ripped almost completely off my sneaker. Had I been wearing shoes that didn't cover my foot completely, things mighta gotten ugly... (not to sound like one of those goody-two-shoes bike safety fascists...I didn't start wearing a helmet until I was 38, after a more serious accident in which I probably would've had a major traumatic brain injury if my left hand hadn't--literally and very painfully--broken my fall...and you don't wanna know what finally inspired me to stop biking in jeans and buy a pair of bike shorts...).

It's A Yoga Thang said...

But DR., I do want to hear about it!!!!! I thought many times of hurting my feet, but they only got a little dirty. My pedicure was still lookin hot too!

Jim Wert said...

Yay!!! My hero!! You are soooo Cooool, DeAnna!!!! Love and Light!!!

Dr. Jay SW said...

Chronic crotch rot.

You said you wanted to hear about it...

Emma said...

YOU ARE A ROCK STAR. and, yeah, do that century. i waited years, and when i finally did, it was exhaustingly exhilirating!

Eco Yogini said...

wow that is inspirational. Thank you very much for sharing this story. i can completely relate why biking would be so important for your healing. it's something so solitary and self-empowering.

i felt so PROUD of how well i managed, alone, in the busy traffic this morning. so freeing and giving back that sense of control!

very cool, what you did. :)