The Journey to the Journey of Self Acceptance

It's no secret that as yoga teachers, we teach what we need. We teach what we have learned. We teach what we have un-learned that no longer resonates.What we teach changes as we change and grow, as we get closer to our true nature.

It's also no secret that as students we gravitate toward the teachers who speak to our heart-mind, seeing in them a reflection of what we already know to be true for ourselves. Eventually we come to realize that our greatest teachers aren't some Guru in an Ashram where we bow at their feet, but regular people just like us. Sometimes, these teachers aren't even on a yoga mat, but a stranger off the street.

When I was 5 or 6, I sat in church and was told God would love me if I was perfect. Their God was scary. That wasn't my God, my God was LOVE. My God was kind. My God was accepting of my flaws.  What was taught to me did not stick because it did not resonate in my heart-mind, so I made up my own God to help me through the tough times and I tried to be like that God when I interacted with others. I still thought I was going to a place called Hell though.


In High School I started seeking outside of myself for the answer in the self-help isle when deep pain began to emerge from past trauma. This didn't resonate too long because I was being taught that I was a victim and I was now feeling dis empowered. This path felt too self-involved and final, to be helpful for me or anyone in my life, so I lost interest and just decided being "messed up" was the way it was going to be, so I got into Drama (Speech and Debate Club), so I could pretend to be somebody else. I was good at it. I won a lot of trophies (better than drugs, I never got into that). I also started using music as a sort of catharsis. To this day I still can not listen to Depeche Mode <shudders>.


In early college I sought help in the Metaphysical section with the Seth Speaks series and thought I could Astral Project myself into peace and harmony with everything outside of myself or at least get off the planet that hurt me so much. I got pretty weird, even for me. I sort of "woke up" when a guy I was dating broke up with me because he didn't like the smell of Patchouli. I thought bathing in Patchouli while listening to New Age music would spiritualize my life. It didn't, I still had the same patterns of behavior I always had, I just smelled more "Earthy".

Then in 1993, at age 20, I found Yoga (asana, ancient text, meditation). Back then there were no studios, it was pretty much just me, my incense, and my tie dye whatevers. This is also when I decided to try being a vegetarian for the first time because that would make me a better person.  My teeth hurt from the beans I could never cook correctly. Still, I felt like I was onto something. I came and went from yoga until 2000 when I became pregnant with my son, after that, it stuck. I also came and went from Vegetarianism until 2009, then I gave up deciding that what I ate had anything to do with who I was as a person.

Because I was practicing yoga before the yoga boom, I thought the new yoga boom was well, a bunch of shit. I remember being in my first Power Vinyasa class and this phrase ran through me mind," What the Fuck is this shit?" How very non-sattvic of me. I blame the Rajasic practice, but whatever. I was being judgmental and well, I sort of freaked out. I started teaching the way the masses wanted me to teach. I felt fake and while I knew it was what my employers and students wanted from me, I still felt like almost all of my classes were only half-truths of who I was and what I wanted to teach. I also started running around teaching 17 classes per week, forgetting to feed my own spirit. Sure, I was taking workshops and learning, but my life was falling apart and I really had no idea what I was doing, but what I did know was, this wasn't me.

In 2007 I went to India for the first time and had a Vision. Open my own place. Teach the way I want. Bring back Old School. So, I did. I thought I was doing this to help others, but as I mentioned before, our teachers come to us in various ways. The studio showed me very quickly that while my intentions were pure (to serve), there would be people who would reject it. I had never struggled so hard to just be who I am, no matter what anyone said. It took years, but I finally realized, that I could be handing out a free trip to Planet Peace and Tranquility wrapped in pink polk-a-dot paper and some people would say my gift was crap and I was full of it. So, seriously, I  just said," I am who I am and I'm ok with that and I'm ok with others not "getting" it." I also realized that while I stuck to my vision, other people were empowered to do the same, all around me. People were flying high and away and I thought,"Being true to yourself and allowing others to do the same, this is what it is all about."

I realized just recently while observing this yoga boom and the quest for all of this beautiful knowledge that ALL of us have within us already, that I'm not sure I teach yoga, as much as I teach authenticity. If we are not authentic, how can we find yoga? For years, I  thought I had it going on and all figured out, but I didn't. Now I realize I still don't, that what I know today may be different tomorrow, but what is truly beautiful is loving exactly who I am TODAY, right now and I find it so much easier to accept and embrace others as they are at any given moment. This is what I want others to experience. It's a dream of mine. It's the kind of Heaven I imagine when I think of God Consciousness.

I want people to also experience this video that a friend of mine gave to me. Take time to listen to it and drink in the lyrics and I'll be playing this on my guitar around a bonfire soon. XO

Certified Authentic, Sold As Is

Most anyone practicing yoga will tell you they are on a path of self-improvement and probably on some sort of mission to change something within the world. Yogis have admirable and lofty goals, but along the way they often become confused about their true identity, adopting “what-they-believe-the-yoga-community-deems-proper” personas.

I have witnessed teachers and students beat themselves up because they eat meat, party like an un-yogic rock star, feel feelings of anger, or physically struggle to practice arm balances and inversions. On the flip side, I’ve witnessed teachers and students subtly and overtly judge each other for all those same reasons. If yoga is ultimately about Unity with the Divine and unity begins with self-acceptance, why then do we not allow ourselves and others to BE “real” at any given time without labeling one reality better than another? What is it to BE anyway? It’s just what it says: “authenticity” in a much shorter word.

When we begin practicing the Niyamas or personal disciplines, the second limb of The Eight Limbs of Yoga, we are challenged to “get real”. Svadhyaya (Self Examination or Study) is the fourth of the five Niyamas and it is a swift kick in the asana. Svadhyaya means to intentionally find self-awareness in all our activities and efforts. It teaches us to be truth centered and non-reactive to what we label “good” or “bad” about ourselves. It eventually exposes what we can change and what we must simply accept as a part of who we are.

As we study, we are forced to ask: what is real and true? What are we making up through cloudy perception? What serves us, what doesn’t?

What ultimately serves us is embracing our authenticity by learning tools to express ourselves as compassionately as possible. What gets in the way of authenticity is fear of rejection. To protect ourselves from rejection, we build a walls around our hearts. And we create different masks to wear, believing these will help us become more acceptable, more loveable, and for us Yogis, more “Yogic”.

e.e. Cummings said it best, “To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting.” To practice this quote is to be brave, to risk being disliked for who you truly are, but the reward for this bravery is that you are loved for all that you are, imperfections and all.

My Grandfather recently passed away and he taught me, above anything else, to be myself. He never actually told me to be myself; he simply modeled it for me through what my Mom calls “being eccentric to the extreme”. What I once saw as embarrassing or overtly opinionated, I now see as bravery through self-love and acceptance. My Grandfather was the same around everyone because he didn’t have any of those silly masks to hide behind.

I believe the practice of Yoga as a philosophy leads to the burning of masks. In order to do this, we must look at where we maintain false realities based on fear and rejection. Honest evaluation of these false realities is where healing begins. As I am prone to say,”Heal yourself, heal the world.” Nobody said Svadhyaya was easy. My own path of self-discovery and healing has been ugly and painful … but no more so than anyone else’s. And I still have a lot of work to do. Sometimes I want to hide behind a mask or start building up another wall around my heart, but then I remember who I am, that I am doing my best and that even my best won’t ever be good enough for some. I remember I am Divine Love (and so are you) and just so I don’t forget this, I’ve tattooed Aham Prema (I Am Divine Love in Sanskrit) on my wrist and when I doubt myself, I close my eyes and chant this mantra: “You get me, as I am, flaws and all. I accept you, flaws and all.” I believe, at our core, Divine Love is a piece of us all. As we examine ourselves further, practicing Svadhyaya, ultimately this is what we learn. We cannot learn this lesson without the study.

I am on day two of my 108 Days of Svadhyaya adventure and well, it's not going as planned and what I am learning is plans mean nothing and the waves of the Universe will re-direct your plans as needed, whether you think it is good for you or not {meditates on wrist and repeats mantra}.