I
used to preach platitudes regarding “going with the flow” and “trusting the
Universe”, and while I believed it, I hadn’t had the chance to truly trust the
validity of my claims using the spiritual tools I had been learning and teaching
for over twenty years through the gift of yoga. While I had used these tools in
spurts, during certain isolated experiences, I had not yet had the chance to
use them while experiencing a multitude of life changing events exploding. As I fell down low enough to the point of
questioning all I had known to be true, where I found myself feeling as if I
was clawing myself out of the depths of my admittedly self-inflicted “Hell”,
only to dig myself deeper, I was able to put these tools to good use and they
past the test.
My
story isn’t anymore special or different than what many of us experience daily,
but the way I navigated through it, is what gave me even more passion behind my
life’s mission to help others find that inner strength and belief that they can
weather the storms of life as a centered individual, navigating their life map
with grace during uncertainty when it feels like they could crash horribly at
any moment. From this, we can create the
life we’ve always wanted and with authenticity.
My
story begins very white picket fencey if you were to view it on the outside. I was married, two wonderful children, the
fancy possessions, good genetics, a plethora of great friend surrounding me, a
career I loved. I had it ALL! I had it all, until the day I decided I wasn’t
living my most authentic life. I was lying to myself and everyone else.
I was a
hypocrite. So, I decided I needed to
leave my marriage. I jumped off that cliff hurting many people in the process. My
reason for leaving,” I just didn’t want to do this anymore, we were more than stuck.” We had tried
everything to save it, even a years worth of Puja’s in India for a Happy
Married Life. After 13 years of working
part time and being Mom first, I wasn’t worried because I had a plan and part
of that plan was my yoga studio business supporting me. It was soon clear, in
order for us to separate, the studio had to go too, I had to sell it, years of
my heart and soul work I needed to untether, while at the same time unraveling
my 13 years with another person. My plan was failing.
Instead
of going into “freak out” and “grasping” mode, I felt sort of felt ship
wrecked, floating in a sea of uncertainty while I sat in the ebb and flow of
the waves, both gentle and calm. I wasn’t sure where the tide was taking me,
but I felt love was holding me up. Plus,
I had all my great friends, right? I had
always heard of friend “fall outs” from marriages failing or the perception of
what people had of you shifting so much that your relationship with them
shifted into the shitter as you look less desirable as your crap is flung all
around you. People have their own
problems and don’t want to be hit by yours too, so people bow out, some
gracefully, others not so much. Ouch, that hurt.
At
least I had my health and my kids were happy and adjusting well. Until I went
to the Doctor. Nope, here began the health concerns. Great. Well, at least my
kids were happy and healthy. The greatest blessing there was and all I knew for
certain. I chose gratitude.
Then
came the final straw. I had fallen in-love way too soon to someone I thought
was the love of my life, a gift from God above for all of my hard work during
my 40 years. That ended as quickly as it started, worse, I felt like a fool
thinking of this Love and the friends who walked away, so much so that my faith
in the Universe was questioned and I thought about pulling out of my yoga
career completely at this point because what did I have to teach anymore? I
lost control where I thought I had already let go.
After pulling myself off my living room floor
after 4 days of the ugly cry and questioning every part of my spiritual beliefs
because I felt so dark, I was ready to move on. My view had shifted towards
something more real, less fluffy, and more exciting than before. I returned back to the ebb and flow of the
tide, practicing my breathing, my mantra, and the art of uncertainty. If living in the moment means trusting all
will unfold if I just listen to my heart, then that’s what I chose to do. As I
have learned to do this, amazing opportunities have fallen into my life
regarding my career, people have walked into my life or stood up at the
forefront who love me, crap flinging and all, replacing those who walked out
and I love my own company more than I ever have. As far as plans, I don’t have
any, except for a logical time frame making sure all my basic needs are met and
I trust they all will be, because what I have realized, as I sit in my ocean of
opportunities being gently rocked by the waves, is that I have all that I need
to explore this map and this time there is no point A to point B, instead, it
is an adventure of staying present, trusting, and having gratitude for each
breath I take above the dirt and each day above the dirt is a day of creating
the life that serves my higher purpose. I’m pretty sure Loa Tzu would consider
me a worthy traveler now and God is no longer laughing, but gently placing all
this abundance and joy along my path.
The
life map is as simple as it is complex to follow. Obstacles on the path are
there to steer us in another direction. Gently take the wheel without
controlling and lean into reality, dig deep, be still, breathe, be open for the
tide to take you in a direction you never expected, trust and be grateful for
the opportunity to recreate that which has exploded. Life is an adventure and adventures are not
meant to be controlled or predictable. Let go, travel free, and never look back. Shanti!
3 comments:
I think it was Dan Millman, in The Road Less Travelled, that said in practically the very first line of the book that we misunderstand the word/concept of "suffering". He said that suffering merely means to "undergo". I read that some 25 odd years ago, and it brings me comfort because of the total shift in perception it gave me. Granted, I still throw tantrums and curl up in a ball when fear comes a'knockin', but your honesty about embarking into the unknown of this next chapter of your life reminded me of the power and strength that reframing our "dramas" holds for us. It's hard to pull someone up and out of places that we've never been. The best healers have been wounded. The best teachers have mastered bits of self-doubt. The best friends have been lonely. The brightest eyes have cried. The bravest people are vulnerable and share from the heart. You, my dearest friend, while blazing your own trail, inspire others to ponder that even if something is just bent and not even obviously shattered in one life they're leading, that they do have choices. And, that it takes patience and courage to change, to fall and to rise .... glide along that ribbon of desire that tugs at us, and to remain open and trust that if we are willing to delve into and release our favorite hiding places, our future selves will, like, SO rock! Thank you, thank you for playing Truth AND Dare and lighting the way!
I think it was Dan Millman, in The Road Less Travelled, that said in practically the very first line of the book that we misunderstand the word/concept of "suffering". He said that suffering merely means to "undergo". I read that some 25 odd years ago, and it brings me comfort because of the total shift in perception it gave me. Granted, I still throw tantrums and curl up in a ball when fear comes a'knockin', but your honesty about embarking into the unknown of this next chapter of your life reminded me of the power and strength that reframing our "dramas" holds for us. It's hard to pull someone up and out of places that we've never been. The best healers have been wounded. The best teachers have mastered bits of self-doubt. The best friends have been lonely. The brightest eyes have cried. The bravest people are vulnerable and share from the heart. You, my dearest friend, while blazing your own trail, inspire others to ponder that even if something is just bent and not even obviously shattered in one life they're leading, that they do have choices. And, that it takes patience and courage to change, to fall and to rise .... glide along that ribbon of desire that tugs at us, and to remain open and trust that if we are willing to delve into and release our favorite hiding places, our future selves will, like, SO rock! Thank you, thank you for playing Truth AND Dare and lighting the way!
DeAnna, 1st, thanks for sharing this… for ‘putting it out there’ for us to read! I'm sure others agree: you are truly inspiring many people! To me, this is one of those where I think, "Finally, someone said it!” Someone else out there "gets it.” (Whatever “it” is for each of us.)
Our personal experiences of suffering, heartache, internal conflict, along with our path to peace, harmony, awareness, etc., are always meant to stretch us, motivate us, help strengthen us, and with the intention of ‘giving’ those lessons to another. I’m so proud of you for sharing this portion of your story.
My brother once told me, "When you're in a hole, let the ‘dirt’ fall off your back & fill the hole with it and then build your mound. When you have your mound built, stand on it!" So I say to you, *“Keep standing, DeAnna! The virtue you emanate is valuable, honorable, and worthy!”*
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