108 Days of Svadhyaya Proposal

Oh hello again clouded perception of reality, it's been so long since we have met and now you are back and I want you to go away because I am way behind and you are keeping me from moving forward. Seriously, do be kind and step aside because you are overstaying your welcome and I don't need you anymore. Why do you keep trying to pull down my bar of very high standards I have for myself, it works for me. Or does it?  I guess it does hurt.......... just a little........ok, a lot. Maybe that bar I've set is unrealistic and I'm doing things all kinds of wrong and all kinds of backwards.

 This summer is a summer of growing pains. I don't pretend to have any real troubles, as my life is blessed and cushy, and I don't take it for granted, in fact, it's so wonderful I usually don't allow myself to grieve for very long and I beat myself up if I feel sorry for myself for more than 5 minutes. I am one of the, as they say, "lucky" ones. I am also human and humans have struggles and all of our emotions that go along with these struggles are the same.There are only so many emotions we can choose from as humans and well, we've all been there done all of them.

Our life is full of teachers who teach us something every day, unfortunately most of our lessons are learned in the depth of despair because without pain we wouldn't change anything. My teachers the past six months come in the form of very close friendships that have hit major Obstacles (Call on Ganesha), the death of my Grandfather who did his own part in helping to raise me and influence me in ways that help me achieve success today, and the death of my 18 year old cat (I was there when both passed). While my Grandfather and Cat were passing away, I canceled ALL of the things I had held as high priority in order to be there with them. For once in my life I did not care about achieving my external goals and all I wanted to do was embrace my entire family and give myself a break from things I DO for a living, but things that are not ME. Guess what happened? Everything went on fine without me, deadlines for awesome opportunities were missed, and nothing horrible came of it. I also noticed my anxiety I have been living with the past 8 years was gone! Just. Like. That.

This got me thinking about ME a lot. Why have I been an overachiever since I was a child? Why do I care about who is there for me and who is not there for me? Why do I care about how many credentials I can put after my name? Why do I sacrifice myself and my family for people who would probably be fine and dandy without my "advice" or council. Why do I feel the need to offer so much advice or council anyway? My answer isn't that interesting. My answers is simply,"You don't want to take the time to just be with YOU."You don't hold yourself as high importance. Well, that's got to change because I am getting sick and tired, literally.

So, I am proposing a challenge to myself for myself to clear my muddy lens of perception once and for all (until that next time). Svadhyaya or self study is the Fourth Niyama or Personal Observances of the Pantanjali Yoga Sutras. I've spent a lot of time studying ways to help and support others and myself, but I've never actually taken the time for a deep interacting with myself, where I put this interaction first, no exceptions. I'm not really certain how all of this will go, but it will consist of attending more frequent yoga classes, pranyama & meditation daily, and more Ayurvedic Study and Application than I currently incorporate into my life. I will do this while living a normal, fast paced Western Life because there is no way around it and there is no cave to escape into. I have Dharmas (duties) to attend to, that I agreed to, though I now feel the first one needs to be a facing of the self. My goal is to find a way to live in this culture in a way that serves, me, my family, and finally, my career. I want to live a life free of anxiety once and for all. Can I do this? I feel I can if I promise myself to stay committed to my aim.

While my focus has always been on others, I don't expect that to change, as I love people and I live to serve, but for 108 days I will serve myself first and my healing will allow me to serve in greater numbers when I am living free of anxiety and honoring the Vedic teachings I have learned through greater application into my life. I also plan on bringing back into my life things I enjoy that I have neglected in order to have more time to "help everyone else". I have no measuring stick for this, no method really, but I plan on trusting myself to lead the way. That's the first step.

Start Date? I don't know that either, but self is telling me sometime in the beginning of September. I also plan on keeping this journey logged in this blog. I've been "blogging" on-line since before blogs existed and it's something I always enjoyed and gave up to, again, "help everyone else"first.

Soooo, muddy perception, may you leave, Bye Bye. I'm ready to do the work and  face the truth.

"Make no mistake about it- enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It's seeing through the facade of pretense. It's the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true." ~ Adyashati

Yoga Sanga Articles (By Me)

Breathe into Recovery
Ahimsa & Bullying

Balancing The Root Chakra

Surrender to the Flow (2nd Chakra Work)

In The News (Namaste Y'all Interview)

Namaste Y'all Interview 

Why I do what I do.......

Origin Magazine Articles By Me: Confessions of An Imperfectly Perfect Yogini

 Confessions Of An Imperfectly Perfect Yogini

Confessions Article: Anxiety

Rebirth and Renewel: Sa Ta Na Ma

My blog has been neglected, but this is my personal space and it misses me, or rather, I miss it. After writing the last entry in September, I ended up going through some shifts in my life, wringing me out and catapulting me so far and so quickly I feel I've lived many lifetimes since. 
 
Today is Easter and I found myself in some nostalgic moments, beginning last night when my son refused to decorate eggs with us (sniff) and then this morning when some music from my college days came blaring through my speakers reminding me of those days I lived for everyone else's vision of who I should be.  How I have changed since then and how many more (sniffs) will I have as I watch my children grow and change.
Easter and Spring encourage the feelings of optimism, inspiration, and growth.  For growth to occur, change must take place, when something changes, something else must cease to exist as we know it.  We often fear change, but without change, we aren’t living. 
 
It’s simple to grasp concrete objects such as eggs bringing forth new life or seeds manifesting new growth and even still, the birth or death of an animal or human being, but what about those things we cannot see, but feel? The cycle of life consists of many deaths and rebirths within a single incarnation as life brings us experiences.
In this life I have lived many and the person I was  just 5 years ago, while at the soul level is still the same, I am now someone I could have never imagined myself “growing” into. The growth I have experienced came from the death of dreams I had with tumultuous relationships, failed goals, and embarrassing mistakes. At the time the pain and suffering of these events were not welcome, but now I view these things as the fuel behind the person I am today and I love who I am today even more because I went through all of these things and never lost the sense of my truest essence.
 
While I have experienced and continue to experience many deaths and rebirths, the most notable came for me when I was married and then divorced within two years. Madly in-love, I married a man when I was in my early 20’s who was an emotionally abusive addict, someone suffering on such a deep level that it brought out every part of me that had been suffering silently from past trauma for years. I never knew I could be so hateful, fearful, and desperate.   He isolated me from my family and friends the best he could, literally telling me to run from him, yet leaving me no way out. I remember one early morning, after one of his drunken episodes and night out with other women, I had locked myself in the bathroom, afraid of what he might do, having already thrown up from his insults, when I realized I was either going to die or this stage of my life had to be over. No matter how much he was suffering, I could not complete this cycle of karma for him or myself if I stayed.  It was time for this dream to die and a new life to be born and so it began. It was a painful death, but one that eventually led me to where I am today. The people I know, the career I have, my current husband and children, I experience because I moved to Texas when I married him. What a wonderful gift he gave me.  From the birth and eventual death of that marriage, came many births and deaths, and more continue still and for each of them I am grateful.
 
As I watch people go through this cycle I realize how necessary it is and I hope they may be as blessed as I have been in understanding it is all a part of our growth process. Life is not made better up on the mountain top, but in the deep valleys where we have the choice to either give up or come face to face with our true grit and move on to that next chapter.
 
One of the first Chants I ever practiced is Sa Ta Na Ma.  The Sa Ta Na Ma Kriya Meditation is used to embrace and celebrate the cycle of Life, Death, Birth, and Rebirth. When we can accept and embrace that change is the only constant and that we are here to evolve and grow, each death we experience becomes a little less painful than the last and each birth comes a little bit easier than the one before.

Sa Ta Na Ma: The Five Primal Sounds
Each Sound Evokes a Feeling:
Sa: Expansion
Ta: Transformation
Na: Universal Love
Ma: Communicativeness

Each Sound Represents The Eternal Cycle of Life:

Sa: Birth
Ta: Life
Na: Death
Ma: Rebirth

For Each Sound You Use a Hand Mudra:
Sa: Thumb to Index  Finger = Gyan Mudra
Ta: Thumb to Middle Finger = Akash Mudra
Na: Thumb to Ring Finger = Prithvi Mudra     
Ma: Thumb to Pinky Finger= Varun Mudra

The Meditation Practice:
Yogi Bhajan once said that if there is any meditation you practice, let this be the one.
Combine each mudra with it’s sound repeating each 3 times out loud, 3 times whispering, 3 times silently, 3 times whispering, 3 times out loud. As you progress, you may then practice this for 11 minutes, then work towards 31!

Embrace the Cycle!

Changing My View

 

When the same situations that cause us suffering occur again and again and we have exhausted all options of changing these types of situations with our current view and/or methods, the only thing to do is change our view and quite possibly, set ourselves free.

I have been a grasper, a person afraid of abandonment, and a dependent on outside appreciation to feel self worth. I have held fast to my ideals, believing my way is the "right" way because I come from love with well wishes for the greater good. I have made others wrong, so I could be right. I have tried helping others, but in some cases have only held them back with my intrusion, not trusting in the natural flow of the Universe.  Each and every time, I have been the cause of my own suffering.

I am making a vow to change my view and have been prescribed by my teacher to meditate more, retreat a couple of times per year, and learn to let go and let flow, narrowing the gap of no return on my negative emotions. To do this, means I will have more energy to do what I love most in the world, which is help people.

Of course, I knew all of this all long; I just needed to hit a personal bottom so the magic could begin to happen. I am now ready to do the work. 

When people see some things as beautiful,

other things become ugly.

When people see some things as good,

other things become bad.

Being and non-being create each other.

Difficult and easy support each other.

Long and short define each other.

High and low depend on each other.

Before and after follow each other.

Therefore the Master

acts without doing anything

and teaches without saying anything.

Things arise and she lets them come;

things disappear and she lets them go.

She has but doesn't possess,

acts but doesn't expect.

When her work is done, she forgets it.

That is why it lasts forever. ~Tao Te Ching

My Breathe into Recovery Article Published

 Yay! Woohoo! Yeehaw!

I can now add "published author" to my resume. I am now more motivated than ever to share my love for yoga through writing.

The following link is to the article I wrote about a program I put together several years ago.  I have trained teachers in this method and enjoy hearing the feedback of those it has touched in some way.

Breathe Into Recovery Article on Yoga Sanga

*pats self on back and checks off goal on bucket list*