Feeling Significant?

Recently a friend asked me,"Do you feel significant?" I was surprised by her question and she was equally surprised by my answer. "Of course I feel significant, I only feel sad when other people do not accept that my love for them is real," I said.  In this moment I realized just how blessed I am as a human being to feel good about who I am in spite of the things I consider less than appealing about myself. What a blessing it is I treat myself with compassion. While I feel significant, I don't feel any more significant than the next person. All of us have our gifts, our talents, our weaknesses, our light, and our dark. All of us make this world interesting. All of us are other people's teachers. All of us are in this together, or at least we should be.

After I was asked this question, I came across this quote by the Dalai Lama and it struck me as the truth and as the possible solution to this "lack of feeling significant" issue.

"Recently I met a group of scientists in America who said that the rate of mental illness in their country was quite high-around twelve percent of the population. It became clear during our discussion that the main cause of depression was not a lack of material necessities but a deprivation of the affection of the others."

I try diligently to express my love for all beings, even strangers, as often as possible and it's not always easy. Over time I have learned that many people reject my kindness/love because they are suspicious, as I MUST want something in return, or I can't possibly have compassion for everyone. I have also had people turn on me after I have made a perceived mistake (often never really knowing what that mistake was), leaving me devastated, not understanding why they would not accept my kindness/love/compassion as true. My spiritual teacher once told me that people who do not love themselves and who are not kind to themselves can not possibly see this virtue in others. As "they" say, it's rarely ever about you, it is about that person and where they are on their own personal journey.

Then I found this quote that helped me understand why people so easily reject or mistrust those who are kind and who are open to love and compassion:

“It is lack of love for ourselves that inhibits our compassion toward others. If we make friends with ourselves, then there is no obstacle to opening our hearts and minds to others.” ~Author Unknown

Compassion is the desire to help ease other living beings suffering. Compassion for all beings can be developed, but first, it must be embraced from within. For many who have not been shown compassion or who do not believe it exists, this is truly a task to take on.

I leave on Sunday for Northern India for two weeks. The last time I went to India, I felt inspired to create a space to help people heal and that space was a yoga studio. On this next journey, I am not certain what ideas I may walk away with, but this land is the perfect opportunity for me to feed myself so that I may come back practicing even more compassion in my community.


Here is a link to the blog I wrote after my last trip.

Until I Return,

May all sentient beings have equanimity, free from attachment, aggression and prejudice.
May they be happy, and have the causes for happiness.
May they be free from suffering and causes for suffering.
May they never be separated from the happiness that is free from suffering.

Namaste'

Inner Birkenride 2010, Making Peace with Anxiety

Two months before the MS 150 Bike Ride, I bought a bike and began training for the two day, 160 mile bike ride (I wish they would call it the MS 160, but story is, the route changed, just not the name). I knew choosing a ride for charity would inspire me to reach my goal of completing some sort of event where I wore numbers on my body (because how cool is that?) and it did. I raised $1,080.00 for multiple sclerosis, $80 over my goal. Not only did I support those living with MS, I learned a lot about myself along the way.

My female friend T inspired me with her own past riding accomplishments and my male friend T, with years of experience, served as my coach, riding with me at a turtle's pace until I could go it alone. To these two people, I owe an abundance of gratitude and to my husband, I owe even more, because without his competitive spirit, I don't think I would have ever have been so determined to complete this ride in the way that I did.

Before beginning my training, the anxiety I had been living with was almost debilitating. Not many people know the intensity of the anxiety I have battled for years, being that I teach yoga and appear to be so grounded. The truth is, an anxious yoga teacher is simply a contradiction to the stereotype. In any case, I had reached the lowest point I had ever felt before, driven by a constant feeling that the rug was being swept out from underneath me and the constant roller coaster was mostly on the downhill. The asana, pranayama, meditation, and medication were no longer enough and I needed something more. At this point I was seeing a Reiki Master often and she asked,"Do you ride a bike?" Amazed I said,"I just bought one yesterday." She said,"That is going to be good for you." She was correct, it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me and it has changed my life.

After T got me comfortable on my bike, I started training on my own, 30 miles at a time alone, just me and my bike. Some days were easier than others, some seemed more uphill than downhill and some more windy and unyielding, but still, I kept on, alone, by myself, no one watching, receiving no approval or encouragement except for my own. For once in my life, I was enough. I do have to admit, however, I did feel very cool when I saw other riders or was surrounded by traffic.

The morning of the ride I was tired, I hadn't slept, but I was ready. I had all of my gear organized and I was on my way towards the completion of something which required me wearing numbers. My number was 887 and 7 is my favorite number, so I felt things were going to go my way. My friends and I started preparations to leave when I noticed my bike shoes were missing and all I had on were some Birkenstocks from 1993. I raced back to the luggage truck to try and find my black bag amongst the 100's of other black bags that looked just like mine. I selfishly prayed I would find my bag, my heart raced, my limbs started to go numb and I thought,"This can't happen." One of the event organizers said,"Mam, you can just ride tomorrow." I thought, "No, No, NO!" I thought of the people with MS and how some of them can barely move and then I heard my husband's voice,"No way you are actually going to train for this AND complete it." I turned around and male T was standing there and he said,"Well, are you just going to meet us in the middle and ride tomorrow?" I said,"Fuck that shit, I'm riding in my Birkenstocks." No doubt we laughed and no doubt I looked like a total Tool, but I wasn't giving up. Sure, you bet there were comments along the way. My favorite was a man who looked down at my feet and said,"OMG, are those Birkenstocks? I have been riding for 16 years and have NEVER seen that." I rode the first day, 86 miles, in my Birkenstocks, my feet felt great, the Birks survived, and I was proud of myself for sticking it out.


Day two I was even more exhausted and the hills and wind were almost too much. At one point a man came up next to me and he said,"Sit up straight so you can breathe!" I laughed at the irony of someone reminding ME, a yoga teacher, to correct my posture and breathe. I did what he said and managed to get up that hill with still a few curse words to spare for later. By the time we were at the last break point, I had exhausted all of my curse words and it was no longer fun. I just wanted to be finished. The rest of the way I thought about eating something other than power bars, pickle juice, and cookies and I thought even more about those living with MS. When I saw the Finish Line I was excited to see my family and my friend M who's mash-up picture I am posting here. I had crossed a finish line wearing numbers and could check another life goal off of my list.

This journey was an amazing one and the love I have for riding my bike is like breath to me. While my anxiety is still there, it no longer drives me or my actions, as I am in better control. The freedom I feel on my bike reminds me of childhood, an escape into the more playful part of my spirit. My next goal is to ride a Century (100 miles in one day) and who knows, I might even do it in my Birkentocks.

Vatsalyam "A Mother's Love"

Listening to Alicia Key's Superwoman, I retreat to days of living with my beautiful, most fabulous, Superhero of a Mother. Some days I wanted her to go away forever and other days I wanted to crawl onto her lap and never leave.


I'm not sure many people know, or even if my Mother knows, but my Mother gave me permission to fall in love with the ancient practice of Yoga. Coming from Oklahoma, thick in the heart of The Bible Belt, Yoga was top secret stuff and I knew exactly NOBODY practicing yoga back when I received a book in early 1993 from my Mother. That book gave me the permission to explore what I already knew deep in my heart, as a five year old, sitting in the Southern Baptist church pew being told I was imperfect and unworthy of God's love. The name of the book eludes me now, but it catapulted me on the journey of self love and then to the acceptance that I believed differently than most people in my "home" state. With this acceptance and new quest for knowledge, I was truly at home in my heart.

A mother at age 16, my mother always made sure I looked nice, ate well, and performed well in school. Like other kids I had parties, sleep overs, and extra curricular activities such as dance and swimming lessons. I had my first child at age 28 and still, at age 37 I have a hard time getting my kiddos to all of their activities without complaining and I often think of what a hero my mother was to have done all of this at such a young age and I really had no idea at the time. Because my mother was so young, we were often mistaken for sisters and to this day you can see people who meet us for the first time going through the math in their heads when they learn of our ages. In the 70's this was not as acceptable as it is today, but my mother held her head high and forged through making a better life for both of us. My mom and I grew up together and I often joke that I was in college in the late 70's and early 80's. When my mom met the man who would become my father, she asked me for permission to marry him. The only objection I had was the fact that we would have to eat meat more often, other than that, I was down with it. From this Union came two little sisters, two more little girls to cloth, feed, and more working through girl-drama. My mom sacrificed and we all thrived.

My mother is an artist, a chef, a model beauty. My mother is classy, adventurous, but prefers to plant her flowers and stay home awhile. My mother can dance like Tina Turner and make a home comfortable, no matter where it is. My mother is freaking amazing. My mother is just now, with all of her little girls happy and healthy, able to live her life for herself.

So, whenever I touch people with the gift of yoga and they thank me, I have to give props to my mother for giving me the permission to express what was stuffed inside of me until she gave me the book that sent me soaring on my way.

Yoga For Bullies

Had I known how to express Yoga in Kindergarten when I witnessed my first case of bullying, I would have had all eight or so of those little snot-nosed meanies drop and give me 10 Chaturangas, a full blown Ustrasana, and then a mighty Vrksasana while they all held hands and beamed love from their heart chakras towards the six year old they were tormenting. I remember this little boy like it was yesterday. This poor boy smelled like urine, was always dirty, and never said anything. I remember walking into the school to get a drink of water and around the water fountain was a mob of children standing around the water fountain while this poor, very smelly, and very sad little boy towerd above everyone on the stepping stool in order to reach the water spout. He looked so exposed and so vacant. As I walked in all I heard was,"No one will EVER be your friend!" I felt a jolt in my heart and then I heard a voice in my head say,"Don't do it, don't do it, they'll make fun of you too." Then out of my throat chakra I loudly exclaimed,"I"LL BE YOUR FRIEND!" I'm not really sure what happened after that, maybe I just blocked it out of my memory, but I do remember feeling complete compassion for this boy and was insanely proud of myself for doing the "right thing" at the expense of my own Elementary School Experience.

The bullying experience and suicide of Phoebe Prince is one I can relate to, so much so, I've taken myself back to the 8th grade and re-lived the experience in my mind, my heart still remembers the pain, and I still wonder where the compassion was in these people? Like Phoebe, I was the new girl, 15, and popular with the boys. I was called names (yes, even whore and slut just like Phoebe), stolen from, threatened, egged and Oh My the rumors were XXX rated! I'm not really sure how I made it to school each day, except that I had a few really close friends who loved to laugh (laughter makes everything better, it's the Universal band-aid). I would go home every day and cry, not understanding how anyone could treat another person so horribly. I'm not even sure I ever told my parents what was going on, as they had worries of their own. I do remember falling in-love with Norma Jean (Marilyn Monroe) around this time and would listen to the original Candle in the Wind song from Elton John's 1973 Album Goodbye Yellow Brick Road. Maybe the fact that Norma Jean (That's who she is to me) committed suicide kept me from "going there". I also thought a lot about the little boy from Kindergarten and wondered how horrible things must be for him if it was this bad for me? Surely there were people who had it worse? At least I had friends I could laugh with. At least I felt compassion in my heart, even for my bullies. I did not know it then, but I was already living the philosophy of yoga, the best I could at age 15,and it carried me through. I did not start practicing asana until age 20, but yoga philosophy was already intertwined in my spirit.

Compassion is the expression of the deep understanding that we are all connected and that we belong to each other. Bullying comes in many forms and adults do it just as much as children do, only adults are usually much more subtle and easily rationalize their behavior. I won't even read Gossip Magazines anymore, because, as I mentioned in my recent entry about gossip, it's also a form of bullying.

So, for Phoebe Prince:

Bliss: Yoga Communities Everywhere Holding Hands

What is Yoga?

Isn't it that thing you do when you all hold hands? Ashok Kumar Banker




I just finished teaching the 8 Limbs of Yoga in my classes over the past 8 weeks. The above quote I used in my description of Samadhi. I love this quote more than just about anything I have read in years because it embraces, in my humble opinion, the true essence of Unity. Also, understand, my idea of heaven is everyone sitting around a camp fire, roasting marshmallows, and singing folk-rock songs.

I would really love to see more movement towards unity and acceptance throughout yoga communities around the globe. Right now I see more division and horrible business practices that only hurt our communities.

How do we do we create this Unity? I believe, with my entire heart chakra, that if we are truly practicing the 8 Limbs, this could easily come into fruition. The kicker is, we all must walk the walk, not just talk the talk. Talking is the easy part and I see people do it every day, but I also see the actions and they don't jive. I'm not saying we can't be allowed some lapse in judgement, it happens, we are human after all, but when it does happen, we can own up to it and make it right.

So, I'll admit it, I used to be anti-some styles of yoga, however, I realized, as a self-proclaimed Yoga Purist that this way of thinking was contradictory to my core belief of Unity, the belief in the overall good. Now I realize, what is good for me may be mumbo jumbo or even blah to someone else. I have always taught, take what you need, leave the rest, but seriously, my ego wanted everyone to resonate with what I had to say. Now that I know better, I understand how this could drive a wedge between teachers and the yoga community as a whole and now I teach only to the audience who is listening.

We all have opinions, but it does not mean our opinion resonates with the next guy, in fact, we might be on opposite ends of the yoga spectrum, but if we are practicing Yoga (not just asana), then we also understand that to speak ill of other teachers, styles, or studios is to NOT practice Unity/Yoga.

After all, isn't it wonderful that there are styles of yoga out there for everyone? Let's not get all up in everyone's chakras and instead, work towards holding hands and embracing our differences.

Gossip, A Destructive Habit

“Using the analogy of the human mind as a computer, gossip can be compared to a computer virus. A computer virus is a piece of computer language written in the same language all the other codes are written in, but with a harmful intent.”
–Don Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements
Proverbs 11:13 A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
Proverbs 16:28 a perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.
All of us have, at some point been the victims of hurtful gossip and all of us have been the issuer of gossip or the entertainer of gossip. I am writing this because I have been a victim of gossip for over two years, since opening my yoga studio and it has hurt me deeply, making me feel helpless and tired. As a general rule I never say anything I wouldn't say to someone myself and if I hear something, I go to the source and ask questions (though, to my amazement, I have found that some people would rather hold on to negativity and the image they have created of you rather than get to the "truth" through an honest discussion or simply by looking at a person’s overall character to see if things add up). No matter how "big" or "small" the gossip may seem, chances are it will becomes much larger than you could have ever imagined as your words take on a life of their own.

“Good” Gossip/Sharing
In general we rarely sit around and talk about how great someone is or how wonderful it is they have such a lovely life, but we should do more of this. I admire people who can find something positive to say about everyone, even when that person has hurt him or her in some way. I believe these people have more awareness and allow for the human condition of making mistakes and/or the understanding that our perception of a situation may be skewed. We can express opinions without being judgmental. We can look at both sides of a situation and find a common ground. This keeps Unity in place. This is Yoga.

“Bad” Gossip/Harmful Intent
There is a line between sharing to get clarification and vengeful gossip. The first thing you should do if you have a problem with someone is go to them directly before you spread harmful words that may not be the truth, but rather a misunderstanding. Try and assume that the person you are about to “trash” may not even realize what they have done, may be struggling with some sort of crisis which causes them to act out of character, and/or consider your own view might be clouded due to your own life experience at any given moment. Going forth and blindly insulting someone’s character or actions or going along with someone who is doing this is destructive and hurtful. This path destroys friendships, families, communities, and personal character. This is not Yoga.

Issuer's Intent “Tear someone down”
Jealousy, and/or Revenge (To feel superior by bringing someone else down)
For Control, Power, and/or Fear (Those who do not want to see anyone else succeed so they are always on top)
To feel a part of a group (If they have something to say, it will make them feel more valuable)
Boredom (If their life is not interesting, they may gravitate towards situations that are.)

Entertainers Role “Taking Sides”
All of the above applies to this, but I would say the entertainer is even more responsible for the hurtful gossip because he/she gives life to the gossip and many times the person is “taking sides” without the victim of the gossip ever having done anything to them. This is a situation that tears friendships and communities apart. In my experience, finding out that an Issuer has gone to my friends to spread ill intention about me, then my friends not tell me and also not defend my character has resulted in a loss of trust between some close friends and myself. I have also witnessed a change in treatment from one person and then all of a sudden anyone associated with that person also starts treating me differently. Again, I always ask questions when these things start to happen, but I do not always get an answer.
Have you ever found yourself saying,”OMG, I KNOW, you are sooo right about that, I never thought about that? He or she IS just as you say! If so, you are being swayed and giving life to something that may not even be true. If we want peace, then we must ask questions and form our own opinions, not because we want someone else to like us, but because it is the “right” thing to do. In fact, I have defended a couple of people who have trashed me because I do not believe in adding fuel to the fire and do know, deep down, they are hurting just like I am.

Victim Feels
Alone, devastated, helpless, embarrassed, used, betrayed, and the list goes on. Never underestimate the power gossip causes, no matter how “strong” or “put together” the person you are gossiping about appears. Chances are, the person you are gossiping about is just as sensitive as you are and maybe even more so.

How to Stop Gossiping
Go to the source, ask questions and clear the air (Integrity)
Look at the overall character of the person. (Awareness)
Tell an issuer to “Go to the person they are taking about” (Teach them it is ok to communicate openly) without taking sides.
Form your own opinions about people, but always act from a place of compassion.
Ask yourself if what you are about to say going to improve on the silence.
Stop buying Gossip centered Magazines or watching Gossipy TV shows. (admit it, there is a sense of pleasure you get knowing the rich and famous get knocked down a few rungs)
Choose a couple of close friends you can confide in who you know will call you on your words if they become gossipy or you cross the line. (I have made this pact with a couple of close friends)
If something happens between yourself and someone else, do an inventory of your entire relationship with the person. How have they helped you in the past? How do they do for others? A favorite quote of mine is, ”Blessed are those who give without remembering and receive without forgetting.” This quote has shown me that even those who have gossiped about me have done good things for me and therefore, I cannot judge them on this one thing, no matter how harmful it has been to me.

If you do these things you cannot hide what is truly going on inside of yourself and it is an opportunity for growth. We should want others to grow and live in peace, just as we want to grow and live in peace. Mother Teresa said, ”If we have no peace in the world, it is because we have forgotten we belong to each other”.

Freedom From Suffering

"Karuna is not merely showing pity or compassion and shedding tears of despair for the misery (duhkha) of others. It is compassion coupled with devoted action to relieve the misery of the afflicted. The yogi uses all his resources -- physical, economic, mental or moral -- to alleviate the pain and suffering of others. He shares his strength with the weak until they become strong. He shares his courage with those that are timid until they become brave by his example. He denies the maxim of the 'survival of the fittest', but makes the weak strong enough to survive. He becomes a shelter to one and all."
-B.K.S. Iyengar, Light on Yoga, 45th paragraph of the Introduction.

Mother Theresa also said,"If we have no peace in the world, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

As I put together a special class for Haiti this coming Sunday, I realize the destruction or tragedy it often takes for most people to stop and show compassion. Perhaps they are unaware that what happens to you also happens to me and what happens to me also happens to you. While I am honored to teach a class for a special purpose, openly advertised as such, I like to think that every class I teach is an offering to relieve suffering of others. Relieving suffering has always been the intention behind my teaching, but it seems, in the coming together for a specific purpose, the energy and intention behind it is greater because people's emotions are more open.

The following is a video I came across awhile back. The images are disturbing, but the message can not do anything but bring out the compassion in others and the realization that we all need and want the same things.

The chant is Lokha Samasta Sukino Bhavantu "May all the world be happy."